Yesterday was my birthday.
And for the first time in 8 years I didn't even bother to blog about it.
I am so over life right now.
Jackson actually cried and carried on because we didn't have cake.
But I don't want cake.
And I surely did not feel like partying in any way.
Nor did I feel like changing 18 poopy diapers.
I keep filling out these stupid forms in doctor's offices that ask things like - suffering from anxiety? depression? fatigue? insomnia? how able are you to do the things you enjoy doing?
And I keep telling people, you are kidding me right? I am suffering from all of the above. Plus I have two kids in diapers, one baby that wakes me up all night long, one two year old throwing tantrums, one 8 year old that is every bit as difficult as he was at 3 weeks or 3 years, too much pain to do anything enjoyable, a house to keep up with, and me? My give a fuck is broken people. BROKEN.
I cry over not being able to open the orange juice for the kids (why are those caps so damn hard?). I cry over drama over the school party (I don't sign up for room mother stuff because I already know it's too much for me right now, and yet somehow I find myself with a plate full of room mother stuff today.) I cry over the constant work of juggling child care so I can go to yet another doctor's appointment.
I cry because the baby.never.stops.crying. I have no clue what is wrong with him, I have tried every damn thing under the sun and still that boy is the fussiest boy.
I cry because there is something on the calendar every single day until the fifth of June again.
So yea. I had a birthday and did not give one fuck about it.
When today dawned I hauled the kids out in the yard. Sam did some painting (must find some watercolors), Grant rolled around grabbing the yo yo quilt and I worked on putting it back together.
Because I CLEARLY need something that gives me a sense of purpose and accomplishment right now.
21 more days until the calendar is open again. NOTHING else goes on that son of a bitching thing. Nothing until August.
I swear I will burn it if I have to.
Until then I am going to just try and get through each of these days and squeeze in a little yo yo time.
Can only eat the elephant one bite at a time...