No title necessary

Hi there. It's been quiet here, hasn't it?

Most of you know that I have long struggled with the decision of whether or not to have another child. I love Jack to pieces, but getting him here was very difficult for me. In fact, it was the scariest thing I had ever done.

Recently I had decided that if I was going to have another child it was getting to the now or never point.

I started going back to church. I made peace with God. I let go of the fear and looked for the hope.

It took awhile, but early this spring I decided I was ready to go for it.

And I got pregnant again rather quickly.

I was so damn excited. Another baby, another piece of David and I, another little redheaded ball of love.

But something never felt right.

Where was all that horrible sickness I had with Jack? I felt totally, completely fine.

I had horrible anxiety the entire time because I could not let go of the worry that something was wrong.

Last Thursday I started spotting.

Sometime over the weekend I had a miscarriage.

So. Here we are.

I think I am ok. The anxiety is nearly gone. The hardest part is that this is a bit of a mental set back for me. I had just convinced myself, after nearly 5 years, that it would be ok to get pregnant again and clearly this is not the outcome I was expecting.

It will be quiet here for a bit while I wrap my brain around of all of this.

I need to regroup. I need to spend some time enjoying Jack. I need to watch 9,000 hours of old 90210 DVDs.

I need to grieve a little and then decide where to go from here in regards to our family size.

This is not an end to the hope I spent time finding this spring. I just need to find the courage to gather it up again.

But I will be back *here*.

See you soon.