Tuesday, May 26, 2009

No title necessary

Hi there. It's been quiet here, hasn't it?

Most of you know that I have long struggled with the decision of whether or not to have another child. I love Jack to pieces, but getting him here was very difficult for me. In fact, it was the scariest thing I had ever done.

Recently I had decided that if I was going to have another child it was getting to the now or never point.

I started going back to church. I made peace with God. I let go of the fear and looked for the hope.

It took awhile, but early this spring I decided I was ready to go for it.

And I got pregnant again rather quickly.

I was so damn excited. Another baby, another piece of David and I, another little redheaded ball of love.

But something never felt right.

Where was all that horrible sickness I had with Jack? I felt totally, completely fine.

I had horrible anxiety the entire time because I could not let go of the worry that something was wrong.

Last Thursday I started spotting.

Sometime over the weekend I had a miscarriage.

So. Here we are.

I think I am ok. The anxiety is nearly gone. The hardest part is that this is a bit of a mental set back for me. I had just convinced myself, after nearly 5 years, that it would be ok to get pregnant again and clearly this is not the outcome I was expecting.

It will be quiet here for a bit while I wrap my brain around of all of this.

I need to regroup. I need to spend some time enjoying Jack. I need to watch 9,000 hours of old 90210 DVDs.

I need to grieve a little and then decide where to go from here in regards to our family size.

This is not an end to the hope I spent time finding this spring. I just need to find the courage to gather it up again.

But I will be back *here*.

See you soon.

70 comments:

  1. Sarah, I'm so sorry. I lost a pregnancy last year at this time, and truly, nothing prepares you for it. For that loss of dreams and expectations. Take good care of yourself while you heal. I'll be sending you thoughts of peace. Big hugs.

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  2. Sarah, I lost a pregnancy last summer, too. It was one of the most saddening experiences and cannot be put into words... Rest up and be well, friend. xoxoxo

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  3. Love you, Sarah. You know I lost a pregnancy in between Sadie and Nell and it is so sad. The loss of those dreams and plans...but I know that when the time is right, the right thing will happen for you.

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  4. I no words do not help the pain you are going through. I am sooo very sorry for your loss!!!! Don't give up on the dream:)

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  5. Oh, Sarah. I'm so, so sorry! I saw a book the other day at an estate sale titled "How To Keep Your Eyes One God When They're Filled With Tears". Or something like that. Almost bought it. Maybe you could find that book and others like it. I always find reading inspirational and faith encouraging things helpful when I'm hurting or scared or have a big decision to make. Books that talk about the scriptures and help us apply them.

    Take care.

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  6. I'm so sorry to hear that, Sarah. You are in my thoughts.

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  7. Oh, Sarah, I am so very sorry. After everything you've been through, I'm certain that this is tough. Take your time and deal with it in your own way. Give Jack (and Dave...) extra hugs!

    Know that you are in my prayers and do let me know if there is anything I can do.

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  8. Sending you lots of hugs. I'm sorry. I wish we were in the same town......I'd pop over.

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  9. Oh, my stars. I'm so, so very sorry.

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  10. I don't post often on your blog but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss.

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  11. Sarah- I am so sorry. I will keep you in my prayers. I will miss you, but look forward to when you are ready to come back to blogland. I didn't know 90210 was on DVD!! I need to get that too!

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  12. I'm so sorry, Sarah. I've never been through anything like this, but I know it must be just awful. I will be thinking of you. Take care of yourself.

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  13. i feel for you and am sending healing thoughts to you and your family. i am hoping things will turn out as you wish them to.
    smooches sweetie

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  14. Sarah,

    I am so sorry. You, and your sweet family, are in my thoughts and prayers!

    xo-Mel

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  15. So very sorry, Sarah. Take the time you need to heal and know how much your blog friends love you.

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  16. I'm usually a lurker but this post cried out for prayers and tears and a big hug. I hope Jack can give you tons of lovin'! I'm praying God will indeed give you love, strength, peace and support as you need them in ways that show how special you are.
    Blessings,
    Kim

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  17. Oh Sarah,
    I'm so sorry. I lost a pregnancy between the boys. I was devestated. It was my little Carter, I know it was. He just wasn't ready to be here with us yet. Big Hugs to you. Take all of time you need sweetie. We'll all still be here.
    xoxoxoxo,
    ~Jessica

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  18. I'm so sorry. And I'm here for whatever you need, even if it's just to bring you and Jack popcorn for the hours of movies and snuggles coming up. How's he doing? I find they always know somehow even when they don't *know*. Hugs to you, your husband, and your little boy during this very difficult time.

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  19. *HUGS* I'm so sorry. In a really weird way I'm right there with you. I was beyond excited to recently find out I was pregnant too. Then I started spotting Thursday and got my hCG results back today that I had miscarried this weekend. It is really hard but I hope and pray you find strength and comfort soon.

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  20. Sarah, you know we all wish we were close enough to wrap you in one big hug.

    I will keep you in my thoughts, take care.

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  21. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that the right answer comes to you.

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  22. I'm so sorry to hear this, Sarah. Big hugs, Diana

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  23. Oh, Sarah. I'm sorry. I've been there and I can say that it stinks. Bad. {{hugs}}

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  24. Sarah, I am sorry to hear about your loss. I too lost a child by miscarriage 15 years ago. I have gotten over the disappointment, but to this day I could tell you hoe old or what grade that child would be in. Feel the pain WITH David. Best Wishes~ Philicia

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  25. Sarah, I haven't checked in on your blog in ages and I am stunned to read this. I really am so sorry. Stay well. Take some time. Love your boy.

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  26. Oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry! I cannot imagine what you're going through. I hope Jack gives you lots of hugs. Take care of yourself - sending love and good wishes your way. xoxo

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  27. no words will do.
    I'm sorry

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  28. I'm so sorry, Sarah. Please know that I understand your pain.

    Big ((((HUGS)))

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  29. I'm so sorry. I'll keep all 3 of you in my prayers. (((you))) :)Lisa

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  30. There are no words that can make this better so I'm sending you hugs and warm thoughts.

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  31. You know I'm thinking about you. And sad for you. Take care, Sarah.

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  32. Oh, Sarah, I'm sorry about that. Making the decisions about having kids is the hardest thing - people don't talk about how hard it is.

    And I can't imagine what you're going through - hugs, though! I think you need a vacation - at the beach? :)

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  33. I'm so sorry for your loss Sarah. Take your time. I look forward to your coming back.

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  34. Hold on to your hope, your courage and your two wonderful guys. I'll miss you but will be thinking about you.

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  35. I'm so sorry Sarah. Sending you big hugs.

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  36. Sarah,

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. All words seem inadequate. Please know I will be thinking of you, more than you can imagine. Take the time you need to be with your family and we will all be here for you when it's right for you.

    BIG WARM HUG!

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  37. Sarah, I am so saddened to hear this news. I can sympathize with the difficulty of making the decision and then the sadness of a miscarriage. I am wishing you all the best and lots of time to heal and rest. I will keep you in my thoughts.

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  38. Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry to hear this. You watch all the 90210 you need to!

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  39. I have so many friends who have gone through this. Whatever you decide, your family will be lovely and perfect no matter what size it is. My prayers and hugs are yours.

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  40. I'm so so sorry! Do whatever you need and I hope you feel better soon!

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  41. I am soooo sorry Sarah. I'll be thinking of you and your little family. Hugs to you all.

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  42. I'm so sorry Sarah. Take your time, we'll be here for you. love you.

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  43. Anonymous9:00 AM

    I know "I'm sorry" is woefully inadequate. My thoughts & prayers are with you. May you find peace.
    Dee in BC

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  44. All I can say is been there, done that, I know there are no magical words to make it ok. I made peace with everything happens for a reason, it may never make sense to you, but in some way I am sure it saves you from much more pain down the road, at least that is what I told myself.

    Sending you a virtual hug in blogland :)

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  45. We'll be missing you in Blog Land - but know that you are in our hearts and thoughts!!!

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  46. I'm so sorry to hear this. Miscarriages are so tough to bear and rationalize. Be well. You are being thought of.

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  47. Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry :(

    I know words dont really help much with something like this, but I'm thinking of you.

    ((HUGSS))

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  48. Sarah,
    Such a big hug coming your way. Take your time to heal, but know you have a huge support system out in blogland if you needs us.

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  49. My darling, many but many hugs for you, David and Jack.

    Much love,
    Deanna

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  50. Oh, I am so sorry, Sarah. You are right you need to take time to grieve. Take all the time you need. And know that you are not alone, even though this is a very personal thing that affects a woman and her family. But I do think the journey you describe so succinctly in this post has an eventual happy ending. I really believe it does. Take good care.

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  51. Lots of x's and o's....

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  52. Sarah, I'm thinking of you. I dont have children, so there's no way for me to really understand what you're going through. But I do understand having to make peace with God, and feeling like life has been turned on it's head. So I'll be praying for you, and my mom will be praying for you as well. She experienced a miscarriage when I was very young, and I can remember her sadness even now.

    Shout if there's anything I can do.
    Hugs,
    Liz

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  53. I am so sorry to hear that. I had a very hard time with our third. I had quite a few early (and one not so early) heartbreaks before Luke was finally born. I found it so hard to try again each time but in the end I knew I'd regret it if I didn't keep trying. I thought we'd never get there but even with all of the loss it was so worth it in the end.

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  54. Sarah,
    I know what you're going through. Hang in there. If you've mended your relationship with God then you know he has a plan for all of us. We don't have to understand or like the plan though. I certainly wasn't in agreement with his plan for our first baby when he took her back. I wish you all the courage and healing it takes to mend from this. Best wishes and lots of hugs! Sondra

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  55. Oh Sarah! I am so so sorry! I have been where you are right now. Hug Jack, hug your husband, cry all you want, scream if you need to. With each day that goes by your heart will begin to heal. Know that there are people out here who are wishing you well.

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  56. Oh goodness - there's nothing really I can say but my thoughts are with you.

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  57. I'm so sorry to hear this Sarah. xxx

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  58. Sarah, I'm so sorry to hear that. May you find that peace again and may your dream come true one day...

    Take care. I'll be thinking of you...

    ~ Jennifer

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  59. Sarah, i'm so sorry sweet girl! I have been there too. I was 46, and no one believed i could be pregnant. I kept telling the drs in the emergency room something was terribly wrong. No one believed me till they saw a positive test. It was a very sad thing to go through, but you'll get through it. GIve yourself time to heal. (((HUGS))))

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  60. I am so sorry. I pray for your strength.

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  61. Sorry to hear the news. Hang in there!

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  62. {{{{Sarah + family}}}} Please know that you and your family are in my prayers for healing and hope. Be blessed~~

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  63. oh sarah. i am so sorry. no title necessary. no words necessary. know that i am praying for you and wish i could give you a big hug right now!

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  64. I haven't read all of the comments but I have a feeling they are similar to mine. I too had a lost pregnancy (mine was a "missed" miscarriage of all things...had never even heard of it). I know it's really hard and I am sorry Sarah.

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  65. Oh Sarah I totally get this. Totally and complete. I'm sorry. So many of us have been in this position, too. I had 2 miscarriages but still managed to have 8. Go figure. In a way it is nice to know you got pregnant so fast. It is hard emotionally. Hard to get over. Take it easy. I know it leaves a hole in your heart.

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  66. Sarah, I know that what your feeling is so hard and you have so many mixed feelings about everything. I still am struggling to conceive after years of fertility and weight gain and so on I just put it in Gods hands and told him I cant stress anymore. Life happens to throw these things at us that we want to change so badly but when it comes down to it God is always right for what happens and he always ALWAYS has a reason. So go watch that tv and cry because God is right there with you and sees it all and he will bless you throuh all this hurt and pain. If you ever need to talk about it I am always here I have been through it and I know its not always easy to talk to the people you know around you sometimes you just need a stranger. BIG BIG BIG BIG HUGS
    -Sarah

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  67. so sorry sarah, i am a little late on this.

    take care,

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  68. Oh Sarah, I was just catching up on my blog reading & I read this post... I am so sorry to hear this... Sending you well wishes & prayers.

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