Monday, November 02, 2009

On my mind

I've waffled a lot about what to say here in regards to what is going on with me the past month or so. On the one hand, I tend to be a pretty open book here. On the other hand, what's on my mind right now is *intensely* personal.

But, it's bugging me. It's keeping me awake at night. I need to talk about it and get on with it.

I was pregnant. Again. In October. And I am not pregnant now. Again.

Having this happen twice in a row is more than a little like being struck by lightening. Twice in 5 months.

I had called my OB within hours of a positive test and we started the blood work immediately.

And then I found out that I have a problem which means that I am "highly unlikely to carry a pregnancy without intervention."

Hearing that pretty much me laid flat.

I got pregnant with Jack very easily, and while the pregnancy itself was a nightmare, I had Jack. I never imagined that if and when I decided I wanted another baby it was going to be this way.

Never.

So, the OB has recommended some fertility treatments. I think I have made a decision about that, but it's a scary place to go.

I mean...how much do I get my hopes up? What if this doesn't work? How far am I willing to go here?

And don't even get me started on the why is this happening to me? why on earth do people insist on saying things like "it wasn't meant to be" or "you just need a vacation"? (Yes indeed, this is not an ideal time for all of this to be happening, but I am 34.5 years old, Jack is 5, and it's pretty much a now or never moment for me clearly.)

*This*, my friends, is a tough road.

I know many of you have already walked it. I have a new found appreciation for each of those decisions you have made.

And I really hope I am able to make peace with this soon.

38 comments:

  1. I am here for you. Call me if you just need to unload.

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  2. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know how hard it can be. I lost 3 before I found a doctor that provided the proper care to get me my girl. Feel free to email me if you want to hear my story and how we got her here. Maybe something I experienced could help you get your baby. You never know.

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  3. Sarah, I'll be praying. So sorry to hear you had to go through this again.
    Blessings, Kim

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  4. So sorry for your loss. I experienced two miscarriages so I know that it is a hard loss no matter what anyone says. I will keep you in my prayers as you travel this road.

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  5. *BIG HUGS*

    Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you. I know it is really hard to go through something like this. I'm actually going through the same thing right now. I'm here if you ever need to talk. Here's to the hope that November is a little bit easier on you!

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  6. Adding you to my prayer list. I've not experienced this myself, but have several friends who have. I know it's so very hard. Don't despair. There are all kinds of things that can be done to help you get pregnant and carry another baby. Blessings.

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  7. Oh, Sarah. I am so so sorry. :( My goodness, you need some sunshine. I'll be praying for you. xoxo

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  8. UGH. I'm so sorry, Sarah.

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  9. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. People will insist on giving "assvice" or platitudes. When I was going through my infertility journey I just told people that all I wanted to hear from them was "I'm sorry". My hope is that you will get an RE that can identify the WHY for you and that you will have the appropriate support for a successful pg.

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  10. So sorry, Sarah.
    I just found out I am pregnant last week, so praying for a successful pregnancy this time for me. You are in my prayers as well....this sucks.

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  11. I have been there - 6 miscarriages in 3 yrs. Like you, no problem with the first pregnancy. We went thru all of the infertility testing, progesterone suppositories, clomid (that pregnancy lost twins), gene study, etc, etc. The dr (reproductive endocrinologist) said we could keep trying and might eventually carry a pregnancy to term - OR - we could look at our precious boy as a miracle and quit putting my body (and soul) thru hell. It's a personal decision - (ps - I was 30 when our boy was born also)
    I would have the testing just to make sure there is not something that can be adjusted with medication or something, then make a decision from there.

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  12. So sorry for your loss, Sarah. I had one miscarriage before N and a very difficult pregnancy. I'm thinking of you.

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  13. thinking of you, dear

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  14. I'm sorry for your loss. You've had such an emotional last few months. We spent 3 years working with a fertility specialist before we did our international adoption. Feel free to email me anytime. You will always be in my prayers. I know how much of a physical and emotional rollercoaster this journey can be. Extra HUGS!!

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  15. You will be in my prayers...hugs.

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  16. I'm sorry, Sarah. You have a lot on your plate now.

    I know I've told you before that I had a miscarriage before I got pregnant with my eldest son. My sister had secondary infertility and had so many problems, so I can sympathize with you.

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  17. Sarah, thinking about you and praying for you. I also had trouble many years ago. So my two are 6 years apart. So don't give up hope.
    Blessings.

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  18. I'm so sorry sarah. I emailed you...

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  19. I'm sorry for your loss, I have walked in your shoes and know how hard it is to be there {{{Hugs}}}

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  20. i'm sorry. i had a very similar october. pregnant at the beginning of the month and not at the end. i'm glad you shared your experience. it helps me to hear about others and hopefully it has helped you to get it out. i've traveled a little ways down the infertility road before but this was a new and unpleasant twist. good luck!

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  21. Oh Sarah, it is a tough road
    Sending nothing but positive thoughts your way.
    Alison

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  22. I'm so sorry Sarah. I am just now having to face up to the prospect of spending the next year or two having fertility treatment to have a baby and I don't know what to decide either.

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  23. Good luck with your decision - I know it is not easy. I had 5 heartbreaks over several years before our 3rd child finally arrived. I was 35 when he was born. They were never able to find a cause. And I could not tolerate the "it wasn't meant to be" garbage. Of course it's easy to say now but all of the pain was worth it in the end.

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  24. All I can say is that I'm so so sorry this is happening to you. I'm sending very big hugs your way as you make some difficult decisions.

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  25. Im so sorry ((HUGSS))

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  26. tammyCA7:56 PM

    I'm sorry about your losses...I've been in a similar place years ago. I had 7 yrs of trying every reproductive medical thing there was, including having a sister as a surrograte...only to have nothing & 3 miscarriages within a 9 mo. period. We finally gave up & went thru with International adoption to adopt our girl and 3 mos. later I conceived my biological daughter & gave birth at 43...there is no rhyme or reason to life...our adopted daughter turned out to be very autistic & life has not been easy with her. There just really aren't any answers for anything that happens in life - we just have to deal with it the best we can...asking why will only drive us crazy.

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  27. As you know, we went through quite a lot to build our family too. It's hard. But there are lots of people who have BTDT to support you along whatever path you decide to take.

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  28. Wishing you a sunny day and sending positive, glittery thoughts your way. hugs and hang in there....

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  29. I'm so sorry the load you're carrying is so heavy right now. xo

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  30. that just plain sucks. i am so sorry for your loss.
    i am glad that you have a doctor who has worked to identify the problem, rather than just tell you 'you are just getting old, we don't need to run tests' as mine did, so that this gives you some options to think about. wishing you the best as you make some difficult decisions.

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  31. No one can understand how painful this can be unless they've experienced the pain of it firsthand.

    So sorry for your tough decision ahead.

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  32. You poor thing, what a year you have had! I am so sorry you are going through this and hope it all works out in the end:)

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  33. Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry that this has happened. You've been through so much this year. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

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  34. First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. Ask me about any "intervention" and I have probably tried it, some pretty comical. Unfortunately, what you are experiencing is so common but people don't talk about it enough so you feel very alone when it happens to you. Feel free to pick my brain about anything on the subject.

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  35. I'm so very sorry you are going throught this trying time! It looks as though so many have been through it also. By sharing your loss maybe someone can shed some light for you. Your family has a lot on their plate right now, it will all be better soon.
    Robin

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  36. Sarah, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope the coming months are much easier for you. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

    {{{hugs}}}

    ~ Jennifer

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  37. Anonymous8:07 PM

    Sarah, I am sorry for your loss. I know you wanted those babies and they were babies to you the minute you found out you were pregnant. I went through similar trials. It took me 3 years to have my first child with the help of fertility treatments- I was 39. Then I had more treatments and 4 miscarriages. I was devastated. I had just told my husband I was done - couldn't do it anymore when I found out I was pregnant for the 6th time. I thought I was losing that child as well but she stuck. I had my second daughter at the age of 44. Both my girls are healthy and happy. I am now 52 and adore my children. I am now away from them dealing with my father's estate as I lost him last week. So you see...there are many people out there that have gone through what you are going through. Your heart will tell you what to do. You grow a new heart with every new child. Good luck.

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