Wednesday, February 03, 2010

The post where I lean on you

I have been hesitant to say anything here, because I am sure after this post some of you are going to decide I really am crazy. It's ok, I would be thinking it too.

We made the decision to try fertility drugs after my recent pregnancy losses and I am pregnant again.

I was scheduled to have an ultrasound to visualize the heartbeat on Monday at 10 30. At 8 30 am I started gushing large amounts of blood. We went immediately to the OB who tried to get a good ultrasound and couldn't, so he sent us to the hospital. I had three ultrasounds there and while I do have a sac and a large fetal pole, they could not visualize a heartbeat.

I was sent for a crapload of blood tests (15 vials) and sent home with these words, "I am so sorry but I am 95% sure you are having another miscarriage."

Until the bleeding started my OB was pretty confident we had sorted out my pregnancy problems. I had a good beta HcG, I was taking progesterone supplements, and it looked positive.

The bleeding stopped by Monday night which was not at all what I expected.

I had my follow up HcG today and my numbers are still increasing. According to the OB that means "something is still happening in there."

It's possible that I lost a twin and we do know for sure I have a subchorionic hemorrhage. (Which I also had with Jack.)

Right now my OB is "pessimistic" that this is a viable pregnancy.

I felt very numb on Monday, but my instinct had been telling me for days that Monday was not going to go well and I would not see a heartbeat then.

Sometime on Tuesday my little instinct said there is nothing to panic about right now.

So. David and I are holding onto the 5% hope that our baby is still growing.

I am not a very religious person, but I have asked God every night to keep that little bean growing.

And in a move that is very unlike I would like to ask that if you are a praying person that you please keep us in your thoughts.

5% isn't a lot, but my little Jack is a miracle baby too.

Thank you.

53 comments:

  1. I'm praying for you. Miscarriages are no fun and so heartbreaking. My hubby and I have had two and its awful....good luck. I hope to hear the good word on your blog...

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  2. I'm here for you too. Oh my. It's so hard. Physically. Emotionally. Being in your shoes and then turning towards international adoption, I'm praying for good news. Extra HUGS!!!

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  3. Oh, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have said a prayer and will continue to keep you and your little bean in my prayers.

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  4. Anonymous3:34 PM

    I have been a lurker for quite a while, but I just had to write to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that God will give you everything you need to get through this -- no matter the outcome. God bless you and your family!

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  5. I will be praying for you and that baby! Take it easy and keep us informed. HUGS

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  6. Oh, Sarah, I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

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  7. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts for sure! I know how draining this fertility stuff is and I hope that 5% comes through for you!

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  8. So hopeful for your little bean. Nobody would think you were crazy for holding on to your dream to welcome another baby into your life.

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  9. oh, my heart is hurting for you, but i am holding out for the 5%! will be sending good thoughts your way.

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  10. I think it's very brave of you to share what is happening with you. You are in my thoughts.

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  11. Sarah this is only my second time posting (I'm a big lurker), but you are in my thoughts. I went through a 5 year struggle to become a mother, I know how hard it is. Keep the faith!

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  12. I will pray for you tonight and put you on my intentions list at work (I keep it in my meeting notebook and pray when I get bored at meetings.)(So I pray a lot at work!)

    Hold on to positive thoughts!

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  13. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Certainly, you and your "bean" will be in my prayers.
    PS.. you're not crazy... just a worried, hopeful mom. Hugs to you...

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  14. I'll be praying for you too. And understand what you're going through right now. Sharing this news with us all, I hope makes you feel not so alone in the midst of this trying time.

    huge hugs, Katie

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  15. You are all in my prayers.

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  16. I am praying for you and your family. Thinking of you and wishing you the best. Wish I could think of words that would comfort you; but please know that I am hoping for the best.

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  17. Now why would you think we would decide you're crazy? You need all the love and support you can get right now.

    Fingers crossed, toes crossed, heart crossed. I'm praying for you too, Sarah.

    xo

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  18. I had serious bleeding with the twins, early on. If the numbers are going up, that's good. Nothing to do but wait. I'll be anxiously waiting and hoping for you.

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  19. Susan6:02 PM

    Oh my gosh how stressful for you. I know it must be hard for you to share this. I will surely be keeping you in my thoughts. I hope it works out for you. Sure puts my little problems in perspective!

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  20. Sarah, I have been hoping for this type of news from you. I have been praying so hard for you all year long and will continue to do so. 5% is still 5%.

    All my love,
    Alexandra

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  21. You are in my thoughts and prayers. A lot of us have been there before. Hang in there!

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  22. I'm praying for you and your little one. I had a subchorionic hemmorhage with with my 3yr old and was told I would lose him at 8 weeks along, but he made it and is a feisty one now.
    I've suffered through 2 miscarriages myself and I know there are no magic words that I can say to you, but please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. Sending you tons of ((((hugs)))).

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  23. I feel for you. I had a subchorionic hematoma with my pregnancy with Sawyer, which landed me on bedrest for a month. The bleeding was horrifying. (Even though I had had a previous miscarriage.)

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your bean.

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  24. Many prayers for you!

    SusanG

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  25. thinking about you, sweetheart.

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  26. I am praying for you and your family. You are not crazy. Keep the positive outlook -- miracles do happen everyday!
    I have been through what you are going through. It brings back lots of memories of my first baby. She would be 11 this Easter. But I also now have 3 boys that I probably wouldn't have if I had had her. They are a joy to me and I hope you will find joy too!

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  27. Lighting a candle and praying...

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  28. I am so sorry you are going through this! I will be thinking positive thoughts for you!!

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  29. I felt goose bumps and my collar bone started to feel funny while I was reading your post. I will pray for you. It is only He whom we can turn to.

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  30. Reading you post my heart started to sink, knowing all the difficulties, set backs and losses you've suffered.

    I will send all the prayers, positive energy and thoughts I can to you!

    Take care.
    Shelley

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  31. Sarah, you and your little bean are in my prayers.

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  32. Oooh Sarah -- crossing fingers, toes and everything else for you!

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  33. Tell that little bean 5% is 5 times more than 0%. He/she is there for the duration. Prayers going out for you.

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  34. Anonymous7:13 AM

    I went through something similar with my younger son- was actually told they sa deflating amniotisac - basically 'I'M sorry - go home and let the miscarriage complete naturally" Well I guess the team at the local emerg dept werew wrong - my son ( who is just perfect btw) turned 5 last September. you are in my thoughts & prayers- Dee in BC

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  35. I've been wondering how you are doing. Of course you're not crazy. I can only say I'd probably have done the same thing if I were you. Blessings to you and prayers.

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  36. You definitely have my prayers and every positive thought I can send your way.

    It sounds like quite a few of your readers have had a similar experience and I hope this brings you comfort and hope.

    Much love,
    Linda

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  37. Sarah, without a doubt, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I think I can safely say that we're all pulling for you and that baby. Please keep us informed, ok?

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  38. Oh Sarah, I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in God and all of His power and I'll have you in my prayers. I know you have been to hell and back in the last year and I can only believe that he has something fabulous in store for you. (((HUGS)))

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  39. Definitely thinking of you! Good luck sweetie!

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  40. Sarah, my thoughts are with you...

    (((Hugs)))

    Take care,
    ~ Jennifer

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  41. Sarah, I'm praying you have another little miracle baby. Twyla

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  42. You are in my thoughts and prayers! Our family is going through the same thing right now! God Bless You.....

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  43. Friday . . . . thinking about you
    Patti

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  44. I pray that everything will work out well for your family. I cannot imagine the pain and worry you are experiencing.

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  45. just letting you know there are thoughts of strength & hope being sent your way :)

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  46. My thoughts and best wishes are for you and your family! xo

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  47. So so sorry Sarah. I will be thinking about you and praying.

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  48. You can lean on us as much as you want. I said a little prayer for you and sweet baby bean.

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  49. I am a praying person and I am praying that everything will turn out beautifully for you and the little one.

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  50. How are you? I am thinking about you.

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  51. Oh Sarah- you are in my prayers.

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  52. I've been praying for you, Sarah, every time I think of you guys. xoxo

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  53. How are you doing, sweet? I've been thinking about you A LOT.

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