The post where I lean on you

I have been hesitant to say anything here, because I am sure after this post some of you are going to decide I really am crazy. It's ok, I would be thinking it too.

We made the decision to try fertility drugs after my recent pregnancy losses and I am pregnant again.

I was scheduled to have an ultrasound to visualize the heartbeat on Monday at 10 30. At 8 30 am I started gushing large amounts of blood. We went immediately to the OB who tried to get a good ultrasound and couldn't, so he sent us to the hospital. I had three ultrasounds there and while I do have a sac and a large fetal pole, they could not visualize a heartbeat.

I was sent for a crapload of blood tests (15 vials) and sent home with these words, "I am so sorry but I am 95% sure you are having another miscarriage."

Until the bleeding started my OB was pretty confident we had sorted out my pregnancy problems. I had a good beta HcG, I was taking progesterone supplements, and it looked positive.

The bleeding stopped by Monday night which was not at all what I expected.

I had my follow up HcG today and my numbers are still increasing. According to the OB that means "something is still happening in there."

It's possible that I lost a twin and we do know for sure I have a subchorionic hemorrhage. (Which I also had with Jack.)

Right now my OB is "pessimistic" that this is a viable pregnancy.

I felt very numb on Monday, but my instinct had been telling me for days that Monday was not going to go well and I would not see a heartbeat then.

Sometime on Tuesday my little instinct said there is nothing to panic about right now.

So. David and I are holding onto the 5% hope that our baby is still growing.

I am not a very religious person, but I have asked God every night to keep that little bean growing.

And in a move that is very unlike I would like to ask that if you are a praying person that you please keep us in your thoughts.

5% isn't a lot, but my little Jack is a miracle baby too.

Thank you.