Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Those test results

Hi. My name is Sarah and I have had three miscarriages in the last 10 months.

This has fundamentally changed me*.

Today I went to the OB for my D&C follow up.

I tested positive for MTHFR .

And then I cried.

A lot.

Hysterically.

I cried tears of relief. I have something wrong with me. Not just bad luck.

And I cried tears of sorrow. This is all just so fucking hard. So many losses. So much struggling.

And then my OB actually smiled. He has not been able to smile at me once in all of this. Because he is hopeful that with aspirin and mega loads of folic acid and clomid and progesterone that I can have a baby.

And then I cried some more because I am still so freaking scared.

Will I ever see that positive HPT and think it will be ok again?

Do I have it in me to go on?

I think I do.

I think I saw the tiniest bit of hope in those 20 pages of test results.

We have a few months of waiting before we can try again. A few months to get my head around all of this.

I still very much want another baby.

I still hope this is only the beginning of that story and not the end.

* I think it is worth mentioning that I feel it is important for women to talk about this stuff. With other women and with men. Infertility seems to be one of those topics that makes everyone feel uncomfortable. I absolutely know that I am not alone in this struggle. And I know that some of you are more comfortable sharing your own struggles than others.

When people see me with Jack it is obvious that I "am his mother". What is not obvious is my battle with secondary infertility. I have decided to wear it for the world, in much the same way that I wear my "mother of Jack" badge for the world.

Until now I have not discussed this with my family, or the people at church, or the friends who are wondering what in the hell is going on with me. I am here to say those days are done.

At the hospital they ask you over and over again "How many times have you been pregnant?" and that number was KILLING me.

Four.

So. I am Sarah. I have been pregnant four times. I have one child and three losses.

And I hope that is not the end of this part of my story.

26 comments:

  1. Sarah,
    You will be in my prayers. Hopefully with your new answers things can be resolved. I know your pain and am here for you to vent to :)

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  2. Hey, I have to say I am so happy for you to have an answer. I know several women with MTHFR who have gone on to have healthy babies. It is totally do-able.

    I don't want to say a cussword on your blog but I call MTHFR a much less polite word with many of the same letters...mother****er!

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  3. I am relieved that you have an answer. I hope your months of "waiting to try again" are fruitful.

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  4. Sarah,I'm so glad that you have an answer and that there is treatment for you! And thank you for sharing. I have PCOS and when I was going through my infertility journey it helped so much to know that other women had the same problem and were willing to share what did and didnt work for them.

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  5. You've been on my mind continually. I'm relieved you have an answer. I'm always available for venting. Secondary fertility is something I'm all too familiar with. I wouldn't change our international adoption story, but it wasn't our original plan. I'm feeling a sense of hope for your situation. extra (((hugs)))

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  6. Oh Sarah you made me cry...not bad but happy tears that you finally know what's going on and can get the medical help you need to try again. Stay strong...hugs!

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  7. Oh Sarah, in such a weird way I am very happy for you. I know what a relief it can be to finally have an answer for something that you wished had an explanation. I hope that the way forward is that much brighter and better. I can't wait to welcome a new little one in your life!

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  8. It is so good to have some answers, because that helps define the path ahead of you. Still hopeful for good news!

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  9. Sarah,
    I only know you through your blog & I have checked back constantly since you posted about your infertility & loss more so than i ever did to see things you had made. I too have suffered with secondary infertility. No one understands that heartache unless they have walked in those infertile shoes. I have friends with 7 & 9 kids....I always have felt joy for them when they found they were with child, but always would get so angry and wonder "why not me". But now i have 5 children & i still dont know "why". But i know that there is hope...and I am thankful that you found out something was wrong with you rather than just some obscure, convuluted answer of "secondary infertility" with out really any clarification and can take steps to rectify the problems. I am praying for you. Thank you for letting us in and i hope in the process bring peace to your life. i wish when i was going through infertility there was such a thing as blogging....all i wanted to do was sleep as no one understood & there was no one to "talk" to that could begin to help.

    Wendy Simmons

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  10. I knew you were struggling, but I didn't know it was this much! HUGS! And, YOU GO GIRL!!!! We struggled to get pregnant in the first place, and it was hard to deal with simply because people don't want you to own it. It made them uncomfortable. Anyway, so proud of you for putting it out there. You get my vote for woman of the year! And you get my prayers for another, healthy, beautiful baby! One who is blessed to have a compassionate mama who wanted him/her bad enough to go through all of this!

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  11. I am so glad that at last you have a diagnosis and as much as it SUCKS now you have something to work from. I have learnt during my struggle to have a baby how everyone knows someone who struggled to have a baby, it's so so common now. I really hope it works for you. Start popping those folate pills!! Good luck! xx

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  12. I am so glad you have some answers and a plan and hope! I know this has been a really difficult time for you, lots of hugs!

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  13. Your story makes me scared but be brave. I don't know why this is happening, why this bad thing could happen to you, but I know God will be there. He wants us to hold on on that little bit of hope and I am happy that you are.

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  14. Sarah at least now you know why this has been happening but it sure doesn't make it any easier.
    Good on you for talking about it and you are right that it is a topic that not enough people talk about.
    Sending lots of positive thoughts your way/
    Alison

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  15. Praying for you, friend. Have peace-this WILL work out for you.

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  16. I love to hear the hope and promise in your post.

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  17. Sarah, I will keep you in my prayers. One of my best friends suffered multiple miscarriages after her first and second children were born, and I know many more who have had problems with secondary infertility. I know you can see from everyone's comments that almost everyone knows someone who has experienced this problem to some degree. And with your being so brave to put it out there for discussion, you are going to help yourself and a lot of other women--just by giving them an outlet.

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  18. Sarah, I was so touched to read your story. You are incredible and brave for sharing so much with us and keeping up the fight to have another baby.

    I read the article on MTHFR. I hope this is the answer you have been searching for.

    This certainly isn't a subject I have any experience in, but I thought I'd chime in. If eggs and dark leafy veggies are great sources of folic acid, consider buying fresh local free range eggs. A friend of mine has chickens and the eggs she gives me are so good! If you don't have a garden and you can bear spinach, it's easy to grow and imagine the nutritional content when it garden to plate quickly. Plus, it would be a fun thing for Jack. My daughter LOVES Swiss Chard (believe me, she used to be an EXTREMELY fussy eater.) now that we grow these things for ourselves. If you are interested, give me a shout, I'll pass along some info.

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  19. I don't really know you, and I really don't know what to say, so I'll just say *hugs* and let you know that I love your blog and I hope that you know *everything will be okay* - even if it isn't the way you want it. *hugs!*

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  20. It was so good to read this post - hang on to that hope!

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  21. Sarah - You are still in my prayers. I am so glad that you have an answer, even though it is hard to hear now. Good Luck with the waiting. It is hard to wait for something you want so much. I will be thinking of you.

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  22. My friend was finally diagnosed with MTHFR after multiple losses and finally got her second daughter 3 years ago. Don't give up hope, this is something that the doctor can help you with to get your baby. Good luck and if you want me to hook you up with my friend just let me know. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who has been there and done that.

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  23. Best wishes Sarah and brave you for talking out about it. As a mum of two who had primary infertility I know it is a harrowing journey you are going through. Stay strong and lots of hugs.

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  24. Anonymous7:51 PM

    Hang in there...now you have a dx and can work to fix it. I never heard of this disorder when I had infertility issues, trying for 6 yrs - they just called me unexplained. I had 3 losses within 9 mos. and this was during intensive infertility treatments..it was brutal on my emotions & I finally had to give up..we adopted (something I continue to struggle with & regret child has autism - 9 yrs old now & still in diapers) and then soon found out I was pg & gave birth to my child...it was all worth it 'tho if it was to have the light of my life...still I wonder how come?

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  25. What a relief to have an answer, and to know that there is still hope! Hope is a powerful thing, so hang onto yours, even if there's just a little sliver of it right now. I'll be thinking of you!

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  26. Coming out of the closet has another advantage--all the support you'll get from other women who've been through the same struggles. As an adoptive parent on a child of another race, I also wear my infertility issues "on my sleeve." I'm so glad this is something that can be treated. You'll be in my prayers.

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