Tuesday, June 01, 2010

My hopes are greater than my fears

Let's back up my story a little, shall we?

When I was in the middle of taking the last round of Clomid, our lovely pastor at church died rather suddenly from a very aggressive form of cancer. He was there one minute, and 30 days later he was gone.

As I was standing in the church at his memorial service I just kept sobbing and sobbing (and, to be frank, sweating, Clomid can be hard on the old body). I could only think of how much I adored him - of him marrying David and I, of him baptising me and a tiny Baby Jack, how he paraded around the church with my precious tiny baby like he was his own pride and joy. And here I was, in the middle of trying so damn hard for so long to have another baby and he wouldn't be there to share that joy with us.

In the church parking lot that day a BIG feather blew right in front of the van. It felt a little like he was holding my hand, another feather from angel's wings, just like when my grandfather died and there were suddenly feathers all over our house.

It was partially because of his death that I decided to come out so early on the blog this time. I have to remember that the time to pray, and to ask for prayers, is BEFORE there is a disaster.

Yesterday, when the anxiety was really starting to mount about the current pregnancy situation, I happened to notice that feather in the hallway.

And for a brief shining moment I thought it would all be okay.

He would hold my hand this morning.

And all of you would hold my hand this morning, just as you have been doing for an entire year.

So this morning I went to the OB's office for that ultrasound.

And despite a trip to the ER last Thursday for some spotting, I saw joy.

The flicker of a tiny heart.

A tiny heart!

I have a baby in there. A genuine baby growing in there. I have a due date on my chart.

I've been lectured on not doing drugs and not smoking (ha!), and honestly? The first time EVER I didn't even care about what I usually think of as insane lectures.

Because they are important lectures.

BECAUSE THERE IS A BABY IN THERE!

I did have to go back to the hospital this afternoon because there is not one, but two gestational sacs in there. And while one looks fantastic, one does not. I am slightly nervous about what is to come with losing that second sac, at this point it is impossible for me to be rational if and when I see blood, but I will deal with that day when it comes.

The woman doing my hospital ultrasound recognized us from last time. (I guess it's easy to remember the woman who has as many pregnancies as a Duggar but only one child?)

She admitted to David while I was using the bathroom that she is in the midst of primary infertility and my heart just aches for her. I have no idea how she can have that job - looking at babies all day, and be in that position.

It has been nearly impossible for me to even *look* at a baby for almost a year now.

And I know that there is no perfectly right thing to say to her.

But what I did say is that when you find yourself in the middle of this shit storm you just might surprise yourself with how deep you are able to dig.

And then she hugged me and we wished each other much luck on this journey.

Oh, What a journey this is.

A baby.

Another piece of David and I.

And I am *Sure* that Pastor Jim is smiling down on me today. I wish I could thank him, could tell him that even after he is gone he is helping me to grow, to find my faith, to find my feet, to make my way in the world, to be a mother again.

A mama again.

Truly amazing.

P.S. Let's hope that's the end of the shit storm for awhile, 'kay?

27 comments:

  1. The rainbow is out at the end of the storm I hope and all is sunny from here on out. Crossing fingers and sending hugs.

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  2. Sarah, I am so happy for you. I know this is what you wanted so badly. A baby! Oh joy!

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  3. I'm so just happy for you!!! I've been hoping that this post would come soon. What a journey. I like Laurie's reference to rainbows. I'm all about rainbows right now at our house for Josie's upcoming bday party. Many hugs!!

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  4. What a beautiful post. My heart aches with joy for you, David and Jack.

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  5. Thank God for that little flickering light! I have been thinking about you all day. I'll add you to my prayers like so many people prayed for my twins. Let's assume all will go well and daydream about the nursery in the new house...shall we?

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  6. Many hugs and prayers going out to you from Florida...I will think of you whenever I see a white feather..."my" duck Arthur is loosing them frequently down by the lake...I'm saving each one for you...and this precious new life. *elaine*

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  7. oh I have been waiting for this news!! Oh thank you God for your faithfulness!!! I'm so excited for you!!!!

    and just so you know, with my son who is 3, he was a twin & the twin reabsorbed with no spotting or anything....the gestational sac just disappeared by 12 weeks. it's sad, but maybe in your case that wont happen...but either way....a baby!!!

    so thrilled for you!!! will continue sending prayers your way!

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  8. I'm so happy for you! I truly know what this means to you (Oh God do I knowwhat this means to you)and I'll be thinking of you and sending good thoughts.
    I still can't look at babies but for some silly reason I think I agreed to babysit TWO of them next weekend.

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  9. Happy Happy Joy Joy.

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  10. Oh Yipee! I'm so happy for you Sarah! Take it easy! Love the new blog header!!!

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  11. If I had a bushel of feathers I'd send them to you.
    Thanks for bringing us up to date today. You all are always in my prayers.

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  12. I bet a heart beat never sounded so good. I pray she stays in there until you're so tired of her You'll do anything to get her out!!

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  13. Sarah,
    I have been reading your blog for some time now and although I never really comment, I just wanted to say that this post was very moving and I'm so happy for you, your husband and Jack. Congratulations to you!

    -Sara

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  14. Congratulations.....this brings back memories now she's 5 almost 6
    I'm so happy what a little blessing from the Lord!

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  15. Sarah, this made my cry! What a strong mama you are! I'm so happy for you and your family, and I'm still praying!

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  16. Anonymous5:46 AM

    Good news, happy thoughts, heart jumping, good thoughts from here my dear. Yiiipppppeeeeee. B.

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  17. I'm keeping the good thoughts and prayers coming your way.
    I just wanted to tell you from my own experience that spotting (the blood) is normal around 10 weeks due to implantation (that's what my Dr. told me) and happened to me in my last pregnancy. I had an ultrasound at the time to see if there was trouble, and at that time I found out I was having twins (but I already "knew" it). Everything turned out fine, and the boys will be turning 8 in about a month ---so here's to hoping the same for you!
    And I am sending a big hug your way!

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  18. I was thinking about you all day yesterday and I had to skip down to almost the end of your post to make sure everything was OK - if a network of people hoping and praying and wishing is what you need, you know you've got that. And then I went back and read your whole lovely post slowly, and I was very happy all over again.

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  19. So moving, Sarah. And I will keep you in my prayers.

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  20. Anonymous9:56 AM

    My thoughts & prayers are with you- I remember the wonder of seeing that heartbeat with my last baby ( the one they'd told me I miscarried)- I hope the rest of your pregnancy is smooth sailing-Dee in BC

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  21. So sweet! May you feel light like a feather and watched over by everyone.

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  22. I am sooo happy for you!! and what a moving post!

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  23. Oh Sarah what lovely news from the ultrasound
    Alison

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  24. Oh Sarah I had goose bumps as I read your last post! I am really pleased for you. We had problems first time round and I had to do the Clomid thing - it is roller coaster of hormones that make things so much more, if you know what I mean? Congratulations and best wishes for the coming months.

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  26. I welled-up reading your post, Sarah. Every one of your passages has me holding my breath. I am so hopeful this is the time. I'll be saying my prayers for you.

    HUGS!
    Shelley

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