Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Reeling

Those of you on facebook already know we had a metric ton of drama go down over here yesterday.

Yesterday morning I had what was supposed to be my first actual scheduled OB appt. I had already mentioned to Dave over the weekend that I was feeling apprehensive about it, because through everything that has happened in the last 14 months I had not ONCE made it to an actual scheduled appt.

I was feeling so nervous that I asked David to go with me, even though I have been doing a lot of this alone so he can work.

I had convinced myself that if everything was okay on that morning's ultrasound that I was going to let myself believe I was pregnant and start getting on with getting on.

Almost immediately the OB could not find a heartbeat on Baby B. Additionally there was a worrying area that appeared to be a huge hemorrhage.

I was immediately transferred to the maternal/fetal specialist in the same office where I proceeded to spend the WORST 2.5 hours of my life.

His sonographer did determine that baby B had died sometime over the weekend, but he didn't seem to give two craps about my dead baby or frankly my still alive baby.

Instead he started going on and on about cornual pregnancies and the live baby only having a 50% chance of living and uterine ruptures and blood transfusions and HYSTERECTOMIES for God's sake.

I could very clearly tell that in his mind he was already in the operating room, terminating the only baby I have left in a much wanted, very hard fought pregnancy.

My head was spinning and I thought I was going to both pass out and throw up all at once.

And then they just sent us on our way, telling us to wait a week and see what happens. WTF? Go home and wait for my uterus to rupture and my last baby to die??

Once I stopped hyperventilating and crying my eyes out, my gut started saying to call the OB who had delivered Jack.

I am not sure I would have even thought of him, but a few weeks ago I turned on the morning news on a rare morning and saw him on the news discussing fertility. He's now running a big fertility clinic out here.

Fate, I say.

I had valid reasons for not going back to him when I decided I wanted another baby, but my pregnancy with Jack was a very difficult, very scary one, and Dave and I both agree that when you are "in the fox hole" he is the man you want on your side.

His office staff was very friendly and told me to come in yesterday afternoon. So yesterday afternoon Dave and I spent another 2 hours waiting to see him. (His practice is insanely busy, and the wait is always atrocious, part of the reason I switched. It's hard to spend that much time waiting when I have Jack now.)

We met in his office for a few minutes around 5 30 last night to discuss what has been going on with me, where I was VERY frank about freaking the hell out after the maternal/fetal specialist appt that morning.

His response to hearing about the dead twin and the threats of my imminent demise due to uterine rupture were met with an "OMG, go to the ultrasound room immediately", and he had nurses start shifting patients all over the place to have a look in there.

His opinion is that the position of Baby A looks fine. The huge subchorionic hemorrhage is indeed worrying, and definitely is threatening the baby. But he suspects I got to this point by not having the MTHFR managed aggressively enough. And it's too late to change that management.

So. I have had a big switch up in my vitamin/progesterone regimen. And I have been told to move around instead of lying around in the hopes of encouraging that pocket of blood to get moving a bit. And he will see me in THREE little days to see what's happening.

Of course I am still worrying myself insane. At this point I have a 9 week fetus in there. 9 weeks is incredibly far for me to have come given this past year's experiences.

He assures me that even if the worst happens there is plenty of hope for me.

BUT PLEASE PLEASE do not let that big bad thing come for me again.

I am clearly nearing the end of my emotional reserves and the loss of one of the babies yesterday was very hard to swallow. Between that and sitting in waiting rooms full of pregnant woman all the time I am fairly sure I will only be fit for a padded cell here shortly. And Dave is not far off.

Keep thinking of us, okay?

27 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry. Thank goodness you have a fertility specialist that has some wits and sensitivity. Please know that I'm thinking of you and praying for your baby.

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  2. I don't even know what half of that means, but I do know that we hardly ever truly understand why things happen. Just keep going, and know that you are not alone. And I will keep praying.

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  3. Sara,
    I am so sorry that you have to go through something like this again. It is so hard.
    My first pregnancy was similar in how the doctors treated me. Sometimes you just want to shake them! My daughter had Turner's syndrome and they said she would never develop correctly, so they thought I should just end my pregnancy. I didn't agree and found another Dr. that helped me even thought my pregnancy didn't end the way I wanted, but I always had hope for a miracle.
    So my prayers are with you! I am praying that things work out and you and the baby are fine. Have faith. I do.

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  4. A big hug and a whole lot of prayers going your way!!! I am so sorry!

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  5. Praying for all of you...I'm so sorry about the loss of the one baby.

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  6. Always thinking of you Sarah. Was reading the facebook posts yesterday, but glad I got the whole story today. Man, oh man....hang in there and glad you called the OB. Maybe he will be the magic ticket to get you thru this. Hugs and prayers.

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  7. Sarah,
    I am praying for you and your family. How awful for you at losing one of your little babies.
    Please just rest! Thank goodness you have a good doctor that is being sensitive to your concerns.
    It's horrible to be on the rollercoaster you are on. Words cant even begin to help you - at least I dont have words. Again, I am praying for you and the little one you are carrying.
    I will just say this...Doctor's DO NOT know everything as well as ultrasounds do not give all the true details. Continue to have faith in a faithful God & trust your body.
    Wendy

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  8. I don't even know what to type...but I will continue to pray for all of you.

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  9. Praying for you. But most of all specifically praying for your sanity! It is all almost too much for one person!

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  10. I've been praying for you. I knew since you hadn't posted something must be up.
    I will continue to pray for you.
    Can you believe I have 3 blogger friends all names Sara/Sarah that are preg.
    Sending happy thoughts your way.

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  11. I can't stop thinking about you. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. My heart hurts for you guys and I'm keeping lots of hope for you--I know you said hope feels impossible right now, and I understand that. But you have so many of us keeping our hopes high for you!

    I'm sorry you have had to go through all of this. And, I'm so glad that Jack's OB is so sensitive to what you're going through and offering you guys the hope you need.

    ~ Jennifer

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  12. Oh, Sara...I am crying at my keyboard for your loss. And for the trauma the SOB doc put you through...some people just don't have what it takes, despite their intelligence they lack the heart. You & your family & "Baby 9 week" are on my daily prayer list...double today. Stay strong, Sara. *e*

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  13. I often read your blog and I have been praying and praying for you. I want you to hold onto the belief that that little baby inside of you will become a loving child and hug you someday. You have a doctor that believes in you which makes all the difference. My heart and prayers are with you. I have been there and I have 2 wonderful boys now. One is also a Jack. Hugs to you from the distance.

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  14. You're always in my thoughts Sarah. I kow all too well the pain of sharing a waiting room with pregnant women but I can only guess at the rest of your struggle. You're doing so well and I'm praying for baby A and you.

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  15. I do not know what to say Sarah, but I am sorry and I am praying for you. Love Clarice

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  16. I have so sorry to hear about the death of Baby B and the way you were treated by the staff -- I can hardly believe how unfeeling a person could be in this situation.

    Hoping that everything goes well over the next few days and you have good news at your next appointment. Fortunately, you now have caring doctor and, of course, you know we are all thinking of you and wishing you and your family the very best.

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  17. My thoughts & prayers are with you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your second baby. And I'm so sorry & appalled at the way you were treated at the doctors. I'm glad to hear that you have someone on your side who sounds competent and equally as important, kind.

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  18. I am feverently praying for you. I wish I could give you a big hug. I am so sorry for the loss of Baby B. I am glad you found your way back to a good doctor.

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  19. Oh sweet Sarah my thoughts are with you always.
    Alison

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  20. I always remember your doctor's appointments (odd, since I cannot remember my own!) and was thinking about you and hoping for the best. I'm so sorry about Baby B, and horrified at the treatment you received. And I'm so rooting for you and yours and the baby. Hope your appointment in three days (a much more reasonable time frame) is reassuring.

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  21. lifting up prayers for you and baby 9 weeks.

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  22. I am so sorry for the loss of Baby B and sending all love and good thoughts to you, Dave, Jack and Baby 9 weeks. Hoping so much that the time passes quickly and you get all good news from now on. We are pulling for you guys!!

    xox

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  23. Oh, goodness, i'm sorry. why does it seem that there are so many negative-seeming, uncaring doctors?? glad you found a different one!

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  24. Oh Sarah. I'm so sorry about the twin. Hang in there....

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  25. I will keep thinking of you all, and I am so very sorry.

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  26. Oh Sara I just want to reach down the computer and give you a big hug. Think positive and talk to your wee girl.

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  27. Wow. I'm so glad you got a second opinion. It's so important to have the right doctor, and one who cares. Hang in there. I have a good feeling about this.

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