Thursday, August 05, 2010

That vomit inducing panic. Again.

So. The OB visit didn't go very well. After the usual blah blah about bloodwork and stuff we tried to have another look at the baby on the ultrasound.

I could tell immediately that something was not right.

He (I still don't know, but we are going to call it a he for now, okay?) was dreadfully still and the heartbeat was faint and hard to see and looked very slow.

The OB turned the screen towards him and kept trying.

After an agonizing few minutes he decided we needed a different u/s machine and doppler RIGHT NOW.

At this point I am pretty sure I am having that going to faint or puke thing happening again, so I try taking deep breaths.

It takes several minutes to get all the other patients moved around to make room for me.

We have a look on the second ultrasound. He finds a good heartbeat, but it did slow down a little again. (Dave says it's because everything was rushed and chaotic and he had moved the ultrasound thing a little and lost the heartbeat. Me? Not so easily convinced. I went back to this OB because he tends to be very optimistic and rock solid in his ability to deal with crises without panic. I could tell by the look on his face, which I have seen on a million other health professional's faces by now, that something bad was going down.)

And there we are.

Me totally sure that everything is going to hell in a handbasket, a note on the chart now that the baby has exhibited "brachychardia" and I am back on high risk pregnant lady status with ultrasounds every two weeks.

Google has a million opinions about this issue, which range from totally normal in the second trimester (something about the way the heart is forming) to could be from dehydration to could be a total disaster with a baby with a serious heart problem.

The OB says, and I quote, that there is "no need to push the fucking panic button", but I have to wonder if this ever ends for me?

I am trying very hard to believe this was random.

I have to believe this is going to be okay.

I simply CANNOT fathom any other outcome.

Cannot.

You guys always have a broad range of experiences with pregnancy and kids. I am really hoping someone will be able to chime in with some words of wisdom here.

Because God help me, this is certainly a test that I am struggling to pass.

21 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you are back to high-risk status. Please know that I'm praying for you and your baby. If your child has a serious heart condition, please know that contact me anytime. We adopted a child knowing she heart needed surgery as soon as we got back from China. The medical world is amazing. Nothing holds her back. Extra (((hugs))tonight.

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  2. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your baby.

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  3. I hope this helps, but with Carrie, we had a couple of these scary ultrasounds, one early on, when they had trouble finding a heartbeat (tipped uterus) and later, a week or so before she was born, and she was pretty lethargic. (Even after I came back in the afternoon for a 2nd ultrasound and had cheated by dosing up on full-test coffee at lunch.) And she's upstairs yakking nonstop on her cell phone. At the time, I could not have imagined that everything would be OK. I really, really would try not to read too much into the expression of doctors - I can't tell you how many times I've just "known" something and been 100 percent wrong. Honest. Hang in there. I'd come hold your hand if you thought it would help.

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  4. I am thinking of you and praying things are going to work out. Keep a positive outlook even though I know that it is hard. Being optimistic is good for you and good for baby.
    If you need someone to talk to, email me. I am more than willing to help!

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  5. Sarah,
    you should read a magazine called Above Rubies. So many times doctors tell us something & the baby ends up perfectly healthy. God is in charge. Just rest. I feel so badly you are going through this. When I was pregnant with my last child I had to have non-stress test 2 times a week & her heart rate would drop way low..like in the 50's - 70's for periods of time. But she came out the healthiest of all our children.
    I am praying for you.
    Wendy

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  6. My "words of wisdom" would be to rely on and lean on the family and friends around you. Even if its not something you normally do. They are there for you - it helps more than I can say. We had very similar issues with our 3rd daughter - low heart rate, quick decelerations, the baby was nearly always lethargic, asleep, or just unable to be roused. In the end, she was born at 38 weeks & was fine. Tiny, but fine.
    I found my husband to be a great help and comfort throughout the entire time. He seemed to handle the stress better. I am not a super-emotional person, but I forced myself to open up to my husband and a few select friends to prevent panic from overtaking me. Just hearing from my husband that I shouldn't worry because ___ helped a lot.
    My doctor was usually positive, too, and whatever hopeful thing she said, I immediately adopted as my attitude, even if I had to repeat it 100 times before it sunk in.
    I refused to listen to anyone who had anything negative to say. Period. If they couldn't say something positive, I cut them off.
    None of this was easy. I tend to be a fretful, anxious person, but the alternative - being panicked all the time - was something I needed to avoid. I had to chase the negative thoughts from my mind, sometimes by literally telling myself out loud that I wasn't going to panic or even dwell on "what ifs". It sounds simplistic, but it helped.
    You and your baby and family are in our thoughts.

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  7. My thoughts are with you guys. Seems even in this small corner of the world there are people who went through something similar, and have healthy babies as a result. Seems promising to me!

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  8. Oh sweetheart, sorry no words of wisdom but sending love and positive thoughts your way
    Alison

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  9. Sarah,
    Sending my love and prayers. Hang in there, God is in control.

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  10. I had several US just like that. In fact when my doctor walked into my room, she didn't say hi, she just walked over to the US machine with a deep look on her face. My baby didn't move much and when they could get her heart rate, it was slowed.
    I spent a greater part of my pregnancy on my left side. I had placenta previa so I bled as well. The doctor never gave me even hope that this baby would live.
    Her name is Marilyn. She turned 20 on August 2, and she is the joy of my life.
    You can get through this. You can make it through the fears with prayers. You can get through the frustrations with hope. You can get through tears with the love of others. Just trust God.

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  11. Anonymous7:25 AM

    My thoughts & prayers are with you & your baby - Dee

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  12. Just want you to know that I'm thinking of all you guys. xo

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  13. It's very early yet and the heart is just getting going so god willing it will get stronger. I know it's hard when you've lost someto trust that its going to be okay. It leaves you paranoid but do be hopeful. Drink lots and lots of water. Rest. Thinking of you guys...

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  14. I read something the other day that really helped me because our family has lost 3 loved ones in a little over a month,
    Let go let God!

    I don't know why those exact words helped me, I, like you,wonder why and only God knows, This little stinker is going to be a coplete Joy and I can't wait to meet him!!

    Your strong faith will see you through.

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  15. My favorite refrigerator magnet says:

    My Dear,
    Let Me do it.

    Love,
    God

    I always trust in this one.
    We're all praying for your family.
    BEEEEE POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!

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  16. I don't have any words of wisdom and since I've been in your shoes I know it's hard to just try to keep calm and think happy thoughts. But I can tell you that even though anything relating to the heart tends to be super scary it can be ok. My heart baby is now 10 years old. She was born with a condition that gave her zero chance to live without major surgery. She is amazing and perfectly healthy today. I know we were lucky but I just wanted you to know that even when things seem so bad they can turn out ok.

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  17. Sending you love and prayers.

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  18. Tina S2:54 PM

    We lost our first baby to miscarriage. The second baby was "diagnosed" in utero as hydrocephalic with the likelihood of being brain damaged. I was a nervous wreck! My perfect baby girl was born and was tested with an IQ of over 130. Doctors don't know everything.

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  19. Praying for you and the baby, I hope you both will be ok. Stay strong and know that we are all thinking of you right now. :) Bren

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  20. i'm an ultrasound tech and can tell you that scanning babies (especially high risk pregnancies with nervous moms ) is the hardest job in the world. if i never scanned another baby it would be too soon, its THAT stressful. totally gut wrenching. can you imagine being the one to see the heart isnt beating or there is a serious problem? awful.

    i agree with what everyone else is saying and from my own personal experience that this will turn out fine. it sounds like you have a wonderful doctor who is very conservative in his approach with your care.

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  21. Oh hon, what a crap-shoot. I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with more shit. As someone who had a scary ultrasound in the second trimester (low amnio fluids, the whole "will she lose the baby, won't she?" game), it takes every ounce of faith to believe that it will turn out ok. May you be looking back at this summer in a few months with a babe in your arms and thinking "glad that is all behind me now." Thinking of you.

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