Tuesday, October 04, 2011

More than I can carry, in more ways than one


I am so fed up right now.

And I am closer to cracking than I think anyone has seen me in a long time.

I could tell you that:
Dave is never here, we are way too busy, Jack is one behavior problem after another, Samantha NEVER sleeps more than 5 or 6 hours at a go (and barely takes one nap a day), that the damn cats ate 4 of my ornaments for the swap, that I am irritated with having to chase down swap participants, that the house work just never ever ever ever ends because everyone else in my house has apparently forgotten how to pick up after themselves, that I am working 24 hours a day right now, that I haven't gotten birthday invites in the mail yet, that I still need to sew on more and more stupid boy scout patches and on and on.

I could tell you that I am pretty close to crying every single day from the misery of this non stop fucking drudgery.

Or I could tell you that one of the reasons that making things, anything, is important to me is because it is something to finish.

It's not one more thing that never ends or needs doing again.

It's an accomplishment.

And that this life right now - this life that doesn't allow me any time to make things? IT SUCKS.

And just when I think today is the day that I AM going to slow us down, I AM going to make time to do something for myself, my mother shows up with a million stupid questions which makes the baby late for her nap which means she won't take her afternoon nap which means I will be up all night with her again and all of this will just start all over again tomorrow.

Oy fucking vey.

It is ALL more than I carry by myself right now.
This past weekend was the boy scout camp out which meant cheeks and I were on our own.

I decided to haul us off to the flea. What else is there to do when you have been up all night?

I left my cart in the car because I hadn't bought anything there in so long. I was wearing cheeks in the Moby wrap and dragging the cart was not that easy.

But then I went and bought way more crap than I could carry.
Small Halloween die cuts. Owls and...
A few sparkly birds (missing tails, but these are really hard to find here).
What I suppose was an old towel bar. It will be a quilt rack in Sammi's room when she starts toddling and the mini quilt wall will no longer be very safe. It has a little shelf on the top for vintage toys too.
I knew at first glance this curvy little beauty was a telephone book shelf, it's the only thing that would really fit on that first shelf.
But a closer look revealed old school telephone numbers scribbled here...
and there. It will be a shame to paint over those, but this thing is seriously dirty.
And a quilt, of course.

It's loosing all it's batting near the middle (as in it rubs little bits of cotton batting all over everything it touches, annoying). It was machine quilted and the pink gingham has not held up well. But at $5, it was coming home with me for sure.

Yes, I had all this stuff hanging off my arms PLUS an 18 lb wiggling baby strapped to the front of me.

*Also, people who sleep all night severely underestimate how crazy making it is TO NEVER GO TO SLEEP. I have tried letting her cry it out, but really, what's the point? I mean if she is crying it's not like I am sleeping. I have been doing a little experimenting with restarting her zantac, giving her yogurt (protein) for dinner instead of breakfast, etc. She still is pretty low on the weight percentile chart and she wakes up pretty hungry at night. So I am not sure if this is a) a need to eat or b) a function of very dysfunctional napping. If she would ever get some darn teeth she could start munching on some more substantial finger foods, which might help, but in the meantime I am never leaving the house again as apparently that is required to get her to take two naps a day.

Wish me luck with that.



  1. I'm going to guess that saying "Well, at least you found some good stuff" is perhaps NOT the thing to say right now. Mother's helper for a couple of hours? e-mail if you need more useless advice ... meanwhile, try to take deep breaths and maybe a nap.

  2. Boy, I can remember those times! Just remember, this too, shall pass. I will keep you in my prayers. If I could keep that beautiful baby for a couple hours for you I would!!!

  3. Hang in there...one of those stages in life...it will pass and a rosier day is in store. I can remember those days (kids are 18 months apart and Tom worked a ton). Deep breath and take a nap if you get a chance.

  4. I too remember those days - DH was never home, working 16 hours a day (still does), I couldn't figure out how to work in my shower let alone put on makeup and be presentable with no sleep and no time. The Bean was a good baby, but he never napped, so I couldn't nap either. It will pass and you know that, but it sure is hard geting there, right?

  5. Amen on the crappy sleeping! We are just getting back to sanity after three weeks of almost hourly waking (poor babe was cutting her last molar). I could barely function and the only thing that kept my sanity in check was knowing that the phase would pass. Can you get someone to take the kids to the park once or twice a week so that YOU can nap? Katrina had some crappy sleep issues too, and the "Healthy sleep habits happy child" book saved us. If she's hungry, more protein at night will also help. Good luck and know that we are all cheering you on!

  6. Hang in there, Sarah! I was in a similar boat this summer... My 9 year old was off from school and my 21-month-old twins (which include a good napper and a very bad napper) were hard to handle together coupled with a husband who was never, ever home, between work and other obligations. I think I cried every day for several weeks, not to mention my dog was terminally ill and required care and ended up passing away during this time. I had zero patience and my house was a mess and I wanted to do all these fun craft projects but I had zero energy. I just kept reminding myself that no matter how hard it seemed right now, I just HAD to stop wallowing in my misery and enjoy those tiny moments with my children and try and be happy because (a) someday I would wish they were that small again and (b) I wanted them to remember a happy joyful mommmy when they were all grown up. Hard, I know, and believe me, I had my awful whiny moments with my kids, but as they say, this too shall pass, right? It will get better Mama. Chin up. That said, sleep deprivation sucks and can make you crazy :)

  7. Hmm...I have no great wisdom. No more so than what the other women have said. Sounds like misery. I too have shared it and still do on days. Different of course. I cannot believe you are having so much trouble with swappers and think you should just call it. If they are not in...too bad for them. I ALWAYS blame everything on my mother. On the bright side great stuff and gorgeous baby that cheeks! Wish I could help more...Renee

  8. The only thing I would add to what everyone else said is to just let the house go. Once I got the hang of that, it made my life so much easier. And I noticed the other people that lived here started picking up after themselves more because clearly, I wasn't doing it.

  9. I know you mentioned that Sammi had some texture preferences with food, but she might like chicken, fish and beans if you are looking for some additional protein sources. I lightly smashed the beans, and Hank had fun picking them up himself. I was all about using protein to fill up that belly -- I think I offered a protein source at every meal at this age. I can never find the food chart I used, but this one is similar http://www.webmd.com/parenting/baby/baby-food-nutrition-9/baby-food-timeline

    Not getting enough sleep is really hard -- it is so different to choose how long you want to sleep (i.e. burning the midnight oil to finish a craft project) versus having your sleep interrupted night after night. Wishing you all the best, but sure this stage will pass quickly.

  10. I don't have anything to say 'cept if you moved to LA I would babysit Cheeks and Jack anytime so you could nap. Short of that, :( Hope this phase passes soon.

  11. I'm so sorry. Sleep deprivation is torture. Seriously, governments use it as torture! I"m still trudging through at the 3 year mark of our son not sleeping through the night. But I know it will end someday....

  12. Hugs, Sarah!! I teach teenagers, and I know, one day you will not be able to get them out of bed!

  13. Hi there. I found your blog through a friend of mine. I am so sorry for your sleep deprivation. I went through that with our youngest and it sucks (hes almost 4 now). My hubby was working six 12+ hours a week and I hope to never return to those days. And you're right, people who are not sleep deprived or experienced severe sleep deprivation can't get it. My heart breaks for you, because that is a crappy place to be. I'll be praying for you. There's a reason sleep deprivation is a form of torture. I would have done just about anything to get good consistent sleep.

  14. I feel you on the sleep deprivation, and the day-long crazy feeling. We have left that stage for a minute, but I know it will be back. Big hugs from afar. xoxo


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