Wednesday, October 10, 2012

2 weeks, 21 months and eternal mother guilt

Grant is two weeks old today. I would say the stereotypical "well, it goes fast", but honestly, it's a good thing these first days fly by.
Miss Junebug is 21 months old today.  Full of spit fire that girl is.
Bossy and opinionated, sweet and helpful, she is a little bit of everything all rolled into one right now.
As for me, well, I have struggled a lot this week. There have been tears (loads of tears) and the rearing of the ugly mother guilt head.

I still have a lot of post birth issues. Heartburn (why? this is just wrong), a UTI that refuses to die, PGP, pain in my tailbone, lots of soft tissue pain still and then there is the breastfeeding. It's no secret that even on the best of days I hate that.  But right now? I have so much other pain I just cannot cope with it. At all. Plus there is the added bonus of Grant being as big as an 8 week baby and therefore eating like an 8 week old baby. (4 ounces of milk at a time!)

It's guilt I put upon myself, don't get me wrong.

I don't even believe the breastfeeding "hype". (Sam was breastfed for 6 freaking months and had all those ear infections and tubes and on and on. Jack, on the other hand, had very little breastmilk and only for three months and is one healthy and super bright kid.)

My head says just quit it right now.

I cannot deal with all that discomfort at once and I fought so damn hard for that birth. That birth was the proverbial hill I chose to die on, not the breastfeeding one this time.

And yet, there is that guilt. I am cheating my kid! I should be able to do this!  I need to just tough it out!

So. I have cut back a lot. Drastically. Giving him bottles gives me time to sleep at night. It gives me time to read books with Sam. And make things with Jack.

I haven't given up just yet, but CLEARLY I need to make peace with how this whole birth/post partum thing is going down this time.

This isn't my first rodeo and I remember all too clearly how intensely hard those first few months with Jack were. And I am feeling very much like I am on the same train again. (Sam's birth feels down right magical in comparison to the boys.)

And Jack! In the midst of all this, Jack is one week away from being 8 years old.

So, there you have it.  Life as I know it, from 2 weeks to 21 months to 8 years of motherhood.

9 comments:

  1. You'll get contrary opinions, I'm sure, but there's just one of you and three of them (sweet as they are), and I think you really must take care of yourself. With the distance of 18 and 21 years, I can tell you that many, many of the things that people absolutely freaked out about ended up mattering not one bit.

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  2. I'm with Barbara, you are the only one that can decide what's best for you and your kids. The fact that you want to not breastfeed so you can spend more time healing and doing stuff with the other two says a lot! You're a good mother so be good to yourself too!

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  3. Listen to your own heart - it matters not what other people think or say. You are the one living this life and you have a perfect right to say enough!
    Enjoy those precious babies (and Jack!)

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  4. I never did it, didn't want to do it, never even crossed my mind that I HAD to do it. Formula is easy and always ready - my kid thrived on it. Having a bay is so damn hard anyway, why should you make it harder on yourself to do things others think is "right?" To heck with them!

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  5. Trust me when I tell you...do for yourself or you will get lost in it all. Proof that I gave so much to my kids I had nothing for myself. And no it is not selfish it is healing, necessary, and should be mandated. Steal time away for yourself for strength, education, and fellowship with adults. These are gorgeous kids, they will remain beautiful because of you and helping yourself will ultimately help them. Why didn't I figure this out 17 years ago? Because I was selfish with everyone but myself. Better to see it now than be smacked in the face with it while they are headed out the door....thinking of you...Renee

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  6. That is one beautiful little boy :)

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  7. I could have been a wet nurse my last doctor told me so that wasn't a problem. They nursed for years. One has ear problems to this day and one doesn't. Some of the other stuff I agonized over and felt copious amounts of guilt for doing/not doing is not remembered and seems not to have mattered greatly. I reiterate what the rest are saying-take care of yourself first because they are depending on you as you well know! Such a group of sweethearts!

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  8. Don't beat yourself up over it. Do what is right for you and don't let others try and make you march to their tune. You have three children to care for so if stopping breastfeeding will make life easier give yourself permission to just do it. If anyone gives you a hard time you always have the fall back that at least you tried it and it just wasn't working out. Better to enjoy all your children and feed the baby a bottle then be miserable for the whole family. Hugs to you and you will do the right thing so quit beating yourself up.

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  9. Don't feel bad about breastfeeding. If you makes you stressed out, then it's not worth it, I don't care what the experts say. I didn't breastfeed my oldest and she is extremely bright and doesn't have many ear infections. So there. Do what is right to make you be a better mom, and if that is to give bottles and get some sleep, so be it!

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Hi there. What say you?