Wednesday, October 10, 2012
2 weeks, 21 months and eternal mother guilt
I still have a lot of post birth issues. Heartburn (why? this is just wrong), a UTI that refuses to die, PGP, pain in my tailbone, lots of soft tissue pain still and then there is the breastfeeding. It's no secret that even on the best of days I hate that. But right now? I have so much other pain I just cannot cope with it. At all. Plus there is the added bonus of Grant being as big as an 8 week baby and therefore eating like an 8 week old baby. (4 ounces of milk at a time!)
It's guilt I put upon myself, don't get me wrong.
I don't even believe the breastfeeding "hype". (Sam was breastfed for 6 freaking months and had all those ear infections and tubes and on and on. Jack, on the other hand, had very little breastmilk and only for three months and is one healthy and super bright kid.)
My head says just quit it right now.
I cannot deal with all that discomfort at once and I fought so damn hard for that birth. That birth was the proverbial hill I chose to die on, not the breastfeeding one this time.
And yet, there is that guilt. I am cheating my kid! I should be able to do this! I need to just tough it out!
So. I have cut back a lot. Drastically. Giving him bottles gives me time to sleep at night. It gives me time to read books with Sam. And make things with Jack.
I haven't given up just yet, but CLEARLY I need to make peace with how this whole birth/post partum thing is going down this time.
This isn't my first rodeo and I remember all too clearly how intensely hard those first few months with Jack were. And I am feeling very much like I am on the same train again. (Sam's birth feels down right magical in comparison to the boys.)
And Jack! In the midst of all this, Jack is one week away from being 8 years old.
So, there you have it. Life as I know it, from 2 weeks to 21 months to 8 years of motherhood.