Thursday, December 27, 2012

Before I say this

Before I write this post, some of you want to run away now. It's going to be intensely personal. And biological.

Go on, I will wait.

Okay then.

Sitting in the fertility clinic waiting for my gyn appointment this afternoon it was hard to care about my stupid problems amongst those women. The ones who are desperately trying to have a baby (5 years in for one them), the ones who were showing everyone the picture of their "little seahorse" after the second round of IVF, the ones just starting on this journey.

It has been one hell of a long road to my kids.

And one that is apparently not getting any shorter. Or less unexpected. Because I have to tell you that just as infertility sort of smacked me in my stupid unknowing head, this complication has done the same thing. NEVER EVEN ON MY RADAR.

I have a grade 2 rectocele and a grade 2 cystocele from Grant's birth.

You can go ahead and look it up. But I will just tell you that it basically means I have pelvic organ prolapse and things are not where they belong.

The internet tells me this doesn't really go away without surgery.

My gyn tells me welllllllll, your tolerance for it will increase and you need a lot more healing time. You have basically had one of the biggest babies you can even give birth to vaginally and you are breastfeeding.  Which was followed with "no one will want to do that surgery until you are one year post partum" so they can know what the real extent of the problem is.

The internet also tells me the surgery(ies) don't have a great success rate.

I can tell you as a human this DOES affect your quality of life. It's as if (and I will be blunt) you constantly have a tampon that is falling out.

And it leaves a lot more questions than answers. Should I stop breastfeeding and see if it improves? Or should I just keep going to six months as I planned because it's easier on Grant's belly and this needs a crap load of time anyway? Should I get another opinion? Am I totally done having kids? Is this going to get worse? Can I ever use a tampon again? (God, that one is way harder than you think it might be for someone like me who hates pads and associates pads with many miscarriages.) Can I really live with this for a year?

I don't know what to do to be perfectly honest.

I knew it was coming before I went in today. Dr Google helped me sort it out a long time ago.

But that does not make it any less emotionally devastating to be 37 years old and feel totally and utterly wrecked in such an intimate way.

So I think what I should do is just chew on it for a few days.

And tell myself many, many, many, many times over that I would not trade the kids for being "normal" again. (And I wouldn't. Honestly.)

But dear sweet baby Jesus, I think enough is enough, okay? 

7 comments:

  1. The things they don't tell you before you have kids, eh? Sarah, that just plain sucks. I hope you're able to come to a decision that will give you some peace!

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  2. The things they don't tell you before you have kids, eh? Sarah, that just plain sucks. I hope you're able to come to a decision that will give you some peace!

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  3. Like Heidi said so well I hope you can come to a decision that brings you some peace and that time brings some healing. I know exactly how much you'd do it again for you kids but I also know that still doesn't make the pain and hassle of living with it any easier.

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  4. Did he talk to you about pessaries? Very unpleasant items but may help put things where they belong and heal in place?

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  5. First things first....do not believe everything you read on the internet!

    Secondly, yes, if it gives you peace of mind, get a second opinion.
    I would stop nursing and see if it improves.

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  6. I also have a prolapsed bladder. My doctor told me there were 3 options, 1. Just deal with it. 2. Hysterectomy and then attach the bladder to the ligaments that held the uterus in place. 3. Lots and lots of Kegels. I went with 1 and 3 plus lost some weight and now have one day in 3 months that I notice things aren't where they belong. For me the biggest help was losing my belly, I highly recommend the book, "The Six Week Cure to Beat the Middle Age Middle". Good luck and maybe what worked for me can help you.

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  7. Oh Sarah, I'm sorry. What a crappy thing to have happen. I would get a second opinion for sure from someone who sees this kind of ailment much more frequently. Its amazing how different doctors can address the same issue on such vastly different plains. Good luck hon!

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Hi there. What say you?