Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Help me find the faith

I have been really struggling again the past few days.

This little *problem* of mine is ever present, making it ever present in my mind.

I went ahead and booked an appointment with a specialist today but it will take a month to get in.

In the meantime, I was watching Grant roll over (!) just now and I thought that what is really missing right now for me is faith. And that ever elusive hope.

My much trusted OB and my urologist FIL both say there is PLENTY of hope to be had here. That what I really need is a lot of time for healing. (Of course that's easier said than done, huh? I have two babies and one big kid.)

Also the internet. Lord, the internet is full of nothing but horror about these problems.

But we are odds beaters, my clan and I. They swore Sammi would die or have to be aborted or I would need a hysterectomy and look at her now. They swore I was never going to have more kids and look at us now. They swore Grant was totally messed up and had no muscle tone and here he is rolling over well before 4 months.

And it's not just that. What got me through all those days of infertility and loss was hope. At some point I had to put my head down and decide that nothing mattered. I had to BELIEVE beyond everything that I was going to have more kids.

I just soldiered on. I didn't think about every little thing. I didn't allow  myself to obsess about it all.

I just did what had to be done.

I also had all of you. I knew I had all of you in my corner, rooting me on with Sammi, hoping and praying for us both.

From the very small number of people who emailed I gather not many of you have been in this place. But maybe you have been in another place where time really did heal all wounds? Or maybe right now YOU are struggling with something you would like to share and we can focus on keeping the faith together?

I do believe in strength in numbers. Lay it on me, won't you?

16 comments:

  1. Count me in as one of those numbers...

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  2. I am so sorry for you; what a difficult time you are going through. I have not gone through infertility, but I have gone through some serious trials. At first, when my Mom was dying from cancer at the age of 54, it drove me from the faith I had. I didn't even know the meaning of hope. When I went through a divorce two years later, I was bereft. I was scared to death. I had 3 small children under six and I was 32. I found my faith again. A saying that has helped me is "Pray as if everything depends on God. Get up and act as if everything depends on you." I have learned through many trials that letting God direct your life will also let you overcome your trials. It doesn't mean a quick fix or even a miracle, although sometimes that happens. What happens is that faith in God gives you strength to get through the mountains and chasms you have to pass through. I hope this helps. It may seem trite but I can tell you with every fiber of my being that it is true. God loves you, and will not leave you alone.

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  3. I am so sorry for you; what a difficult time you are going through. I have not gone through infertility, but I have gone through some serious trials. At first, when my Mom was dying from cancer at the age of 54, it drove me from the faith I had. I didn't even know the meaning of hope. When I went through a divorce two years later, I was bereft. I was scared to death. I had 3 small children under six and I was 32. I found my faith again. A saying that has helped me is "Pray as if everything depends on God. Get up and act as if everything depends on you." I have learned through many trials that letting God direct your life will also let you overcome your trials. It doesn't mean a quick fix or even a miracle, although sometimes that happens. What happens is that faith in God gives you strength to get through the mountains and chasms you have to pass through. I hope this helps. It may seem trite but I can tell you with every fiber of my being that it is true. God loves you, and will not leave you alone.

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  4. I don't know why I double-posted...only clicked once. Sometimes I'm very glad that I'm not as "smart" as a computer.

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  5. I'll email soon - in the meantime, I really, really recommend not reading those internet horror stories. Nobody posts on the internet when things turn out great (case in point here ...)

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  6. Oh, my whole entire life is completely out of control presently. Marriage, finances, my Mom's injuries. I am running from morning to night, cannot get it all done no, matter how I try. Curtis came home with a cold yesterday and for some reason that was the straw that broke the camels back and sent me off into an emotional downward spiral. If I get a cold, I cannot do what I do, I cannot even go see my poor pitiful broken Mom and help her. I cannot get sick. I know it's not his fault for Pete's sake, but I still secretly want to punch him in the face.

    This whole thing with my Mom has me scared out of my wits. I have listened to doctors and therapists tell her she needs time, but she will heal. I have NOT gone on the internet because I like what they tell me and DO NOT want to read anything else. I know our problems are not the same, but we both do have problems. I'm not religious abut I am spiritual. I just have to believe that it will all work out. I just MUST. And, I hope it works out for you too.

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  7. Offering words of enouragement. I've been reading your blog regularly for a couple of years now. I found you when I wanted to learn out to make bottle trees and have been keeping up with you ever since then. I prayed for you and Sammie, I prayed for you and Grant. I not a big "pray-er", but when I feel called, I do so. I know what it's like to lose hope. I honestly don't know what happpened to turn the corner for me but eventually it got better. I struggle with faith - long, long story - but I try. Keep after your Dr's until they get something figured out. And if you find yourself in need of a short round of antidepressants or something, by all means do it! Hoping for brighter days and quilts aplenty thrifting for you!

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  8. Time does heal all wounds. Some just take longer to heal than others. Hang in there my friend. I will hold on to hope and faith for you. This season will pass and you will see the otherside. Pinky swear.

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  9. Don't believe everything you read on the internet. It's full of worst case scenarios. And doctors love to scare you, to be ready for the worst.
    3 years ago, when they found a mass in my stomach, the internet told me there was a very small chance it would be benign. The internet told me I had an even smaller chance of beating stomach cancer. I refused to believe it, even though things did not look good for me.
    Turns out it was benign after all, to the surprise of even my doctors. I lost a bunch of weight, most of it that baby weight that I never could lose, with the surgery that got rid of the tumor. And I've kept it off, making me thinner in my 40's than I have ever been in my life. I now like to think of that whole thing as a blessing in disguise.

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  10. Hmmfff....should have taken you to therapy this morning. This loneliness that I feel is all encompassing...I am thinking of you all...Renee

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  11. Last year was a shit-tastic year. I really should send you a holiday letter. Mom diagnosed with ovarian cancer, two car accidents, multiple trips to the ER, and six friends up and died. SIX! And then something happened somewhere between barely holding on and fingers-stuck-in-ears land. I realized that every day is a blessing. Every.single.day. No matter what monster rears its head, watching Norah be a ham, Katrina glide through first grade, John being my rock, and work finally... working - it is hard not to feel blessed. I think that we lose hope when we forget to look around, when we forget that the world is filled with people who are waiting to be part of our circle of love, when we forget that we are here to love and to grow from each other - that is when despair sinks in. At some point, I just decided to shut the door and bolt it shut. Do I still have shitty days? Yes. Are people I know still in pain or experiencing loss? Yes. Are we still dealing with any number of "catastrophic" events? Yes. But we are ALL strong and we are ALL loved and therefore, we will always ALL have HOPE.

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  12. And yes, stop reading the damn internet.

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  13. Boy Howdy have I been on the low hope train. I think the quote that I hold on to is, "Where there is love there are always miracles." I believe it was Willa Cather who said that. And, at this moment I can not remember who/what she was, but I have found this to be true in my life. I know you have love in abundance all around you. Hold on to that.

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  14. The less-than-glamorous side of pregnancy and child-bearing! Like secondary infertility, these things don't seem to get talked about. (And I imagine many women have never heard of these things.) It sounds like your doctors feel confident that things will get better and hopefully that will give you some confidence, too! I will be pulling for you, even if I neglect to comment. :)

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  15. Sarah - I know how you feel about losing hope. I feel like that right now too, although for different reasons. Sometimes it feels as like it has been "open season" on me and my family. Stuff just keeps coming at us and after a while it brings you down, low down. I rely on my faith in Christ to get me through. Some days it is just very, very hard but no matter how I feel - I have to stick to my faith and believe - even when that seems impossible. Don't stop praying and hoping. So many are struggling and down. It helps to know that you aren't the only one.
    Keep the faith. I will be praying for you too.
    Thinking of you!
    Katie

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  16. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I can't imagine how difficult it is...

    You're right, everyone struggles. Maybe not for the same reasons or at the same time, but I believe that most people have and/or will struggle in their lifetime. But even the most awful things will pass eventually... Time does heal all things. I feel so inept in trying to offer words of comfort but I hope it helps just knowing so many of us are thinking of you and wishing you well (and that you will find answers and healing).

    ~ Jennifer

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