Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I turned 38

 Yesterday was my birthday.

And for the first time in 8 years I didn't even bother to blog about it.
 I am so over life right now.

Jackson actually cried and carried on because we didn't have cake.
 But I don't want cake.

And I surely did not feel like partying in any way.
Nor did I feel like changing 18 poopy diapers.

I keep filling out these stupid forms in doctor's offices that ask things like - suffering from anxiety? depression? fatigue? insomnia? how able are you to do the things you enjoy doing?

And I keep telling people, you are kidding me right? I am suffering from all of the above. Plus I have two kids in diapers, one baby that wakes me up all night long, one two year old throwing tantrums, one 8 year old that is every bit as difficult as he was at 3 weeks or 3 years, too much pain to do anything enjoyable, a house to keep up with, and me? My give a fuck is broken people. BROKEN.

I cry over  not being able to open the orange juice for the kids (why are those caps so damn hard?). I cry over drama over the school party (I don't sign up for room mother stuff because I already know it's too much for me right now, and yet somehow I find myself with a plate full of room mother stuff today.) I cry over the constant work of juggling child care so I can go to yet another doctor's appointment.

I cry because the baby.never.stops.crying. I have no clue what is wrong with him, I have tried every damn thing under the sun and still that boy is the fussiest boy.

I cry because there is something on the calendar every single day until the fifth of June again.

So yea. I had a birthday and did not give one fuck about it.

When today dawned  I hauled the kids out in the yard. Sam did some painting (must find some watercolors), Grant rolled around grabbing the yo yo quilt and I worked on putting it back together.

Because I CLEARLY need something that gives me a sense of purpose and accomplishment right now. 

21 more days until the calendar is open again. NOTHING else goes on that son of a bitching thing. Nothing until August.

I swear I will burn it if I have to.

Until then I am going to just try and get through each of these days and squeeze in a little yo yo time.

Can only eat the elephant one bite at a time...


5 comments:

  1. Oh, honey. I feel you, but only at about 1/100th of the shit you're dealing with. The only thing that gets me through is breaking my existence into manageable chunks: in the next hour, what is the minimum I can do to keep everyone alive? Then, I worry about the next hour. Give yourself a lot of grace: paper plates, McDonald's for dinner, whatever takes off some of the load, but doesn't make you feel worse. And find a doctor who will listen to you, because you're allowed to feel MUCH better than this. {hugs}

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  2. :( It truly hurts me to see how much pain you're in...I don't think anything I say will alleviate it, but I just have to let you know that I am praying for you.

    My baby Grant is also very cranky lately. I suspect he's teething. Sometimes I have to give him a teething cracker, and that gives me 5 minutes of peace. Also, going outside calms him.

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  3. Oh hon. I don't really know what to say. For starters, happy birthday. I will pray that this time next year you will write a very different blog post - that the year ahead of you will be filled with answers and calm. And an empty calendar.

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  4. wow...1st off, Happy Birthday...and while I no longer have small children, I felt your pain so intensely. Am much older, and have been dealing with my own "fuck it all attitude" for too long now. I think the hardest part is when you know that is not the you that you have known and loved all your life! Even through major shit storms I have usually been able to maintain functionability {is that a real word?} Apparently not...it's underlined! I think we just have to remember that this, too, shall pass and life can & will get better. Too many of us, women especially, have far too much on our plates...and I know I'm just not that hungry! Hang in there, and continue to be the great Mom to 3 children, but try to find time for you. You sound as though you could use a "me time break"!

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  5. Happy Belated B-Day!!! You know, it was the 19th of May before I had a birthday anything with my family! A full 19 days since my b-day on 4/30! Ha! Hugs!

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