Friday, October 15, 2010

I am so not okay with this.

I'm here.

David is travelling AGAIN. It's pretty much a constant that he is either working until 7 pm or not even in town anymore. And this time he is not only gone for an entire weekend, but for Jack's birthday.

And I just SO fucking over it all.

I have spent an entire year by myself.

I have had to have miscarriages by myself.

I have had to recover from surgery by myself.

I have had to sit in emergency rooms bleeding to death by myself.

I have to do every single thing on earth regarding Jack by myself. From doctors visits to preschool choices to everything else.

I now have a RAGE filled child who hits me and kicks me and rips at my clothes and throws things at me and tries to break everything in the house because it is ALWAYS just him and I.

He has actually said to me more than once "Can't we just borrow a father?"

And honestly. I have tried really hard to be good natured about all of this. I have tried to just do what it takes to get through the day. I have tried to remind myself that there are those a lot worse off than we are.

But this time, this bullshit, it's just too much.

I cannot even believe how I am having to sacrifice my child's well being for a job that doesn't even pay the bills.

I would kill for a normal family right now. To be able to at least go visit my mother and have her feed Jack a meal instead of it always being on me. Someone to put away a load of laundry so I could rest for 15 minutes in a row.

"Wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which fills up first" is what my grandmother would say to that.

Anyway. That's where I am. Here (crying my eyes out). But completely wishing I wasn't.

And it's time pick Jack up again. And he needs a haircut. And he will need to be fed again. And don't forget the well child visit and the treats for school for his birthday and the birthday party and the "I am 6" photos he is looking forward to and the pumpkin patch and the Halloween costume that still needs to be made and...

God I am tired.