Monday, October 29, 2012

Suck it up buttercup?

I am here.

Well sort of.

Grant will be 5 weeks old in two days and frankly it's becoming more and more obvious that I am going to have find a specialist about reconstructive surgery. I have what can only be called chronic pain at this point, and it's clear that the OB did NOT do a proper repair when he was born.

And I am just sick about all of this.

I worked so hard to avoid that stupid c-section because I did not want long term discomfort and complications.

And here I am with what I was trying to avoid.

And frankly it is every bit as bad I thought it would be. For me it's pretty much ground zero for trauma.

I think of myself as a pretty tough broad, but this has left me shattered. And crying constantly. And clearly heading to PPD. And having trouble bonding with the baby. And struggling to take care of him and Sammi every single day. (And I hate anti depressants nearly as much as the thought of surgeries. Been there, done that, not really so interested in going back.)

If I thought that colic and 13 hours of screaming every day with Jack was bad, well, this is making that look like a walk in the park.

I mean it makes me fucking hysterical to think about being wrecked in such an intimate way for the rest of my life. Or having to have major surgery to try and fix this. And then having that interfere with the breastfeeding I also worked so hard to save.

And I REFUSE to see the motherfucker OB who I feel like is the root of this problem.  So I am feeling at a bit of a loss about what to do even next. I mean, I hear "the ladies" (two older ladies who share a booth and I always visit with them) at the flea and their  words about it taking 6 weeks, but it's not really the healing that is the issue here. It's that he has not put anything back together to heal in the first place. That is sort of an important component.

Anyway. I have been hesitant to say anything here, not because I am that kind of girl who doesn't just let it all hang out, but because this weird blog thing happens where people who know us IRL read here (and I know they read here) and yet despite what they read here they never bring it up. And then that makes me mad. I mean I know you know I am struggling and yet it doesn't seem like a good idea to even say hey, are things okay? Ugh. It makes me wish I blogged in a black hole.


  1. oh sarah, i'm so sorry. anything i can do from KC?

  2. Sarah - So, so sorry! I wish I lived close. I would definatly reach out to help in person. Cannot imagine the pain you must be going through. I had a tear with my first baby. It was repaired after giving birth. It still hurt terribly until it healed.

    5 weeks later - oh my! I pray that you will find a doctor who can help you. God bless!

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear this Sarah. By all means, go see another doctor and make sure you are okay.

  5. I've only had c-sections so I've no idea what that would be like. And after hearing this glad I don't have to know.

    However, someone did recommend taking fish oil for ppd to me. I had used anti-depressants and didn't like them so much. The fish oil worked for me. The omega 3s help the body to produce serotonin which I believe is what the prescribed anti-depressants mimic. I take it 3 times a day and noticed an incredible difference. When I'm cranky or out of sorts, my husband knows I've been skipping the fish oil. I'm sure you can google it find out more but it has made a real difference for me. I regularly take it now.

  6. Oh, Sarah, I'm sorry it's not getting better. I had a much worse experience the second time around, and could not BELIEVE how long it took everything to get back to "normal." I cannot even imagine what you must be going through to be contemplating surgery. Is it possible for you to see a different doctor and get a decent second opinion? I hope so.

  7. I'm so sorry Sarah, and SHAME on those that know you are suffering and don't say a word. Definitely find another doctor, right away, and keep us posted. We're all here for you!

  8. Sarah,
    First, sorry to hear how hard things are! You have every reason to be having a rough time with everything -- the two littlest ones are not that far apart and that is ROUGH. I have twins, so I can understand how difficult that can be!!

    If you feel at all that something is not right internally, then by all means go see a doc. Make sure you find a doc who supports you and your life.

    Good luck, I am pulling for you!

  9. My sister had a similar problem. 4 months post, tons of pain, no sex. She went to a physical therapist that specialized in that area. Fixed up and back to 100%. Good luck!

  10. Sending healing prayers your way. I hope things get better for you physically and mentally. Can you go to your primary care doctor to talk about things instead of your OB?


  11. Anonymous5:50 PM

    That really sucks, both the unrepaired part and the fact that nobody who knows you locally has offered any help. I hope you can find someone who will fix it asap.


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