Saturday, May 11, 2013

I wish I could say

 I wish I could say that yesterday's doctors visit was super fabulous. That it was the best news I had heard all week. That it was such a relief.
 But the universe keeps throwing those rocks into my already full bucket. My overflowing bucket.
 I am pretty sure you never want to hear words like "have never seen this before" when someone is referring to your sphincter. So yea. I apparently have no muscle that they can even find for my internal sphincter, a tear in my external spinchter, a huge tear in my something or other muscle, plus the rectocele. And maybe the cystocele, it seems that is still debatable. "I can't believe you are not completely incontinent" was mentioned a time or two along with "only a matter of time."

Now I could freak out. And I wanted to. But I didn't. I came home and did something I have never, ever done.

I called my FIL. And I said "I seriously need your help figuring this out."

And I do. He is a doctor and I need him to help me figure out who on earth is going to put humpty dumpty back together again. Because I am pretty damn sure I need superman.

On the plus side several things have come out of all of this. 1) Just when I think the worst possible thing has happened to me (or the kids), something worse comes along. There is a long way to the bottom of shit hill apparently. 2) I thought infertility had changed me. And it did. But I was not done changing. Having this has caused me to realize I am carrying a lot of rocks around. Too many rocks. My load is now so heavy that I just wander along through life like Hansel and Gretel leaving a trail of rocks behind me. I am forced to unburden my pockets. All those little things the past 38 years are dropping off me on the trail. I mean nothing says desperate like discussing your vagina with your estranged FIL, right? 3) I have to figure out how to come out on the other side of this somehow. The journey to the other side is not going to matter as long as I find myself on the other side at some point. And I KNOW there is another side. It's at least 6 months away, but it's there.

 Someone asked where I keep all the quilts. The biggest chunk of them are in this pink cabinet Dave built me.
 Then I filled up this one too. (And the top of it also. Ahem.)
So I unloaded a bunch of tablecloths so I could take over the top shelf of the tablecloth cabinet too.

And it is completely full as well.

Time to deaccession again? Nah, not yet.


  1. Sending you a huge hug...
    You should manage a smile just looking at those cabinets of beautiful quilts! What a terrific collection!
    I will drink a glass of wine tonight for you. XO

  2. I've never commented before...and I hope commenting for the first time on this particular post doesn't weird you out. I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy reading your blog. I know you have struggled finding time to do the things you want to do (outside of kid stuff) but I'm truly always amazed at how much you get accomplished, really awesome stuff as well! You write really well and I appreciate your openness and humor. And you have really cute kids, almost as cute as mine ;) .
    I have five kids, 3 big kids over the age of 20, a 9 year old and 3 year old. I've struggled with secondary infertility and had several miscarriages, know how fertility issues can be such a painful struggle.
    Sounds like you have a lot coming at you right now. Know sometimes the only way you get through these things is to get through them. I don't mean to be trite...really in my darkest times the only thing that made the day to day ok was knowing that they would end and there eventually would be a light. I'm rooting for you.


Hi there. What say you?