Monday, December 02, 2019

Green eyed monster

I’m not really sure it is the green eyed monster if we are being truly honest, or if it’s that time and age have brought me to the social media breaking point.

It’s incredibly hard to watch people on line who cry for their mothers when they are sick, have parents who help with everything, who go on week Long Beach vacations several times a year, and just generally post all the things I’ve never been able to have. Mostly I am a “it is what it is” girl, but the thought of losing what little I do have in my mom has really thrown a big monkey wrench into that.

This year this was doubly compounded by my fathers somewhat random refusal to come to thanksgiving. He says it was because I hadn’t called, but oh hey, the seven days leading up to that were pure hell. And, btw, the phone works both ways.

Right now I am attempting to just sit with it all. Watch a movie, sew a stitch, read a book, make a meatloaf and just let it all settle in around me. I have moments where I feel like I can do it, and moments where I would still like to just put on my shoes and make like Forrest gump. My flight or fight was SO INTENSE for a few days that every day I actually did ponder just starting to walk every morning until I could walk no more. If nothing else, I would eventually have been too exhausted to think.

Instead I finished putting up the Christmas crap.

(My current urge is to resume driving everything we own to the goodwill.)


  1. Gosh I know exactly how you feel. Except I have no parents to cry for anymore. I wanna know how my neighbors on benefits take three holidays a year and get $13k tax returns. I’ve contemplated hiding, running away, shaving my head, but my fight is gone. But Like you, i have wanted to sweep my house clean and start over. My Mum always said, “ Change is as good as a holiday”. Maybe we just need change.

  2. Sorry you are going through a hard time with family etc... I say yes to movies, sewing, taking and looking at awesome photos of your kids and house, meatloaf and craft, listen to music, go read a science magazine or a fun book, whatever makes you internally happy and avoid that social media as much as you can! Best wishes from Boston, sarabeth


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