Some days

 Some days are better than others. On those days I have hope that right after Xmas we will start lining up for vaccines and we can start thinking of returning to things. On other days the kids are fighting, the weeks are stretching on into infinity, I am desperate for normal, I am fully on board the struggle bus trying to make impossible decisions regarding the return to school, I AM SO FUCKING MAD WE ARE IN SUCH A HOT MESS, and I choke on my “whats the worst that could hAppen?” When trump was elected words.

Our schools Plan at the moment is this - either you go to school for five days or you learn at home. Nothing in the middle. It’s a non choice for the little kids - home. My rheumatology doctor advised against sending them, and on positive days I tell myself it will be all good. They will have the entire fall with more freedom and actually we can learn a lot more at our own pace. On bad days I tell myself the kids are struggling. Sam misses friends, Grant seems to be worrying a lot about getting Covid when around people, we watch too much tv and everything is shit.

Jack is a completely different story. Not all of his coursework will be available on line, no decision has been made how to handle that, and my not really able to deal with change child says he must attend school then.

It seems like madness as we have more cases every day than ever, we are now a hot spot and have been banned from visiting many states, our governor does nothing beyond say your kids will get it but it will be fine!

So, mostly we still just sit and wait.

 I have been trying to go to the thrift once a week in St. Louis county - where masks are actually mandatory. So, I’ve  bought a few things.

And I’ve been trying once a week to take the kids somewhere relatively quiet to get some nature. The boys are very resistant to this, Sam loves it. We are all missing our annual road trip for sure.

Decisions and stir crazy

 Last week it just all started to be TOO MUCH. Thinking about school, missing the things I love, how painful and long and strange every single thing is, being in this house all together this long. I across the river where masks are mandatory and went to a few thrift stores so I could think in peace. I decided a few things - I won’t be sending the kids to school, we needed to rearrange the basement a little to get the kids out of my space a little (Of course now I cannot get them out of the basement! Lol), Instagram is really just making me miserable right now (so many people just carrying on like everything is normal!), and some times you just need the thrift store. That iron was an incredible score!

 At the vet you put your screaming little baby on the sidewalk, they come out and collect him and then call you on the phone to discuss him. It’s actually sort of really frustrating. No one can seem to get it straight what they need, what they’ve had, etc. and then! Despite a dewormer and revolution, bolt threw up a round worm! I nearly puked in my shoe. So gross.

 Everything else here is clearly all cats, all the time.

 They are just the cutest.

 Being together constantly has left these two thick as thieves. I couldn’t help but notice how dark Sam
Is next to grant! She has my grandmas coloring for sure.

Now we are just counting the days until the official notice comes from
School I guess...

More than a feeling, more than a month

 Somehow it’s been more than a month again. We celebrated Father’s Day, have been swimming, managed to see some fireworks from our car in the parking lot of a store, jack had oral surgery and has yet again restarted orthodontia, we continue to rearrange areas of the basement trying to make it function better As work, play and hang out space for the long haul, and we adopted two kittens! The kittens have really brought much needed joy right now. They are called bolt and Cheerio.

I decorated the porch for the Fourth of July this year too.

Mostly things are the status quo. We stay at home nearly all the time, although I did get Sam a hair cut (we were the only ones in there and we all wore masks), and we went to the library (again, it was very empty and everyone masked).

As soon as things started to reopen viral cases surged like crazy and numbers are higher than ever. Everyone is starting to talk about school reopening, and I have to say - even thinking about it feels like the early days when I was standing in total chaos in the middle of Costco wondering if the world was on fire. I want them to go to school - they want it and need it - but does it undo the last four months of staying home? Is it putting us all at extreme risk? Do I have the guts to put my kids on that bus? It’s causing sleepless nights. (Not to mention logistics - can they wear a mask all day? Where would we get enough substitutes? How risky is this for the teachers we love?) I keep seeing stories of mass spreader events like parties, and that puts the fear right back into the equation.

I think I’m doubtful we will go back right away anyway, and continue to hope a vaccine is imminent and will help us return to school.